by Wayne Hayes, founder of the Statham Appreciation Society
AS a huge fan of the Stath I’ve always wanted to see him punch a giant predatory vagina – oops I meant to say shark.
Jason Statham is the ultimate embodiment of masculinity, and vaginas are the ultimate aquatic evil.
Shit sorry did I say vaginas again? Duh! Clearly I meant sharks. I don’t hate or fear vaginas in any way, even if they represent a gaping maw of vicious female darkness that lurks in the shadowy waiting to devour innocent men who only want to enjoy football, affordable sports cars and the pub.
I think women are great, even if they are too daft to understand why The Transporter is the greatest film ever made, or to want a long-term relationship with me.
Although – and I know this might not be considered very ‘PC’ in some quarters – the I do like the idea of a film about a massive vagina that swims around eating men, or even just toying with their emotions and then callously rejecting them.
In fact I’ve already written a script called The Vadge in which Jase and his funny Chinese sidekick ‘Short Trousers’ face off with a 500ft labia in an underwater cave system. So if any film producers are reading this, give me a shout. But I will want to keep all the rights to ‘The Vadge’ spin-off burgers and pencil cases.