I despise cooking and all who attempt it, reveals Mary Berry

MARY Berry has launched her new show Britain’s Best Cooks by admitting she despises cooking and loathes anyone who even attempts it.

The 82-year-old, a judge on the new show, said she plans to spend most of her time convincing contestants of the utter worthlessness of their tasks in the hope they will give up.

She explained: “I only began cooking because you had to, after the war, when food was rationed and women couldn’t get jobs.

“But now, when you can get whatever you want to eat from the shops, there’s no need for anyone to learn to cook. Just don’t bother.  It’s shit. Just buy a ready meal.

“It’s too late for me. I’m old, and set in my ways. But I shall be using this opportunity to share my hatred of cooking and baking and kitchens and all that bollocks with Britain to try and win them around.”

She added: “Cooking is not worth the effort, and never has been. I have wasted my life. I urge you not to do the same.”

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Amber Rudd types with one finger and uses Myspace

HOME secretary Amber Rudd does all her typing with one finger and has a Myspace account, it has emerged.

Rudd, who is in charge fighting online extremism, takes around an hour to compose a three-line email, according to insiders.

One adviser said: “It’s like watching Bambi learn to walk – you desperately want to step in and help, but it’s the only way she’ll learn.

“I spent 90 minutes showing her how to attach a document to an email yesterday, and she still managed to send a blank page to the whole office.”

They added: “She somehow fucks up the formatting on anything she touches. And I’m not even going to go into the carnage she’s caused with accidental reply-alls. We’ve had some really terrifying days over here.”

Other staff members complained that they have to explain faked Photoshop images to Rudd on a regular basis, and that she still has the keyboard tones on her flip phone turned on.