I just wanted my own TV show, admits Greta Thunberg

CLIMATE activist Greta Thunberg has confirmed that starring in her own reality TV show was the entire point from the start. 

The 17-year-old Swede has landed her own BBC series and confessed that she also hopes to appear on Running Wild With Bear Grylls, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and, eventually, Come Dine With Me. 

She said: “All the usual routes to fame – YouTube, Love Island, child star gone bad – are so well-trodden that nobody pays attention. But climate activism was fresh and different.

“Now I’ve got global fame, I’m ready to capitalise on it. The show will be about my love life, the launch of my eco-friendly make-up range, and my Twitter row with Jesy from Little Mix.

“Then I’ll hit the circuit and invite Hello! into my home, do Celebrity Bake Off and Strictly, put on four stone, get snapped by the paparazzi, appear on the front of OK! under the headline ‘GRETA FATBERG!’, lose it all and release my own diet plan.

“Then it’s the Loose Women panel for the rest of my life. The world? It’ll burn. But it’s not like I’m actually making any difference to that now, is it?”

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Are you enough of a twat to become Instagram famous?

ARE you prepared to spend time and money doing stupid bullsh*t so strangers will Like and Follow you on Instagram? Find out: 

How many times did you get dressed this morning?

A) Once, which was one too many
B) I tried on eleven different outfits and took 40 different selfies of each with subtly different expressions on my face, before choosing the perfect shot

What did you eat for breakfast?

A) A pint of coffee and a Cadbury’s Creme Egg
B) Nothing because that would be food, but I made a plate of duck egg pancakes with goji berries, photographed them and chucked them in the bin

How many pets do you own?

A) One miserable cat that I largely ignore until it craps in the kitchen and I shout at it
B) Six miniature sausage dogs I force to wear matching jumpers while posing on a vintage record player

What’s your holiday itinerary like?

A) Arrive, sit by pool drinking, pass out, repeat
B) Go to iconic locations and join the queue of other people forcing their partners to take photos of themselves in apparent isolation against a stunning backdrop

Do you want to have a job?

A) No, but I accept it as a necessary evil
B) No, and there’s no limit to the amount of twattery I will go through to avoid it


Mostly As: Your life is weird and a bit sad, but you aren’t a massive twat.

Mostly Bs: You are a massive twat in a world of massive twats all battling it out to become Emperor of the Twats. But hey, sometimes you get free stuff.