Iron Maiden fans somehow immune to self-consciousness epidemic

FANS of Iron Maiden are somehow unaffected by the self-consciousness epidemic sweeping the Western world.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “In an age where literally everything has to be arch, knowing, witty or retro, Iron Maiden fans somehow still don’t give a fuck.

“They just like their thing for what it is, their hairy backs aren’t a statement and when they wear double denim with a bumbag it’s in no way ironic.

“The rest of us will never achieve that level of enjoyment of anything, because our stupid aspirations have made us into dicks.”

46-year-old Maiden fan Roy Hobbs said: “I go to work doing a job I can’t even be bothered to describe, then I come home and eat either a pie or a casserole with my wife, who is also into Maiden, then we drink a couple of beers and listen to The Number of the Beast.

“We’re very happy. Why wouldn’t we be?”

Hobbs confirmed that he had no opinion whatsoever about stick-on moustaches, retro gaming, boutique camping, dieting, vintage things, banter, street food, garlic presses or Jude Law.

Professor Brubaker said: “Their houses may smell of feet and engine oil but they make everyone else in the country look like pretentious twats.”

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90% of woman's workout is taking gym selfies

THE majority of a woman’s workout is lifting her iPhone in order to take pictures of herself working out.

Nikki Hollis visits her local gym at least three times a week to maintain her stream of Instagram selfies and occasionally use an exercise machine if there is time.

Office worker Hollis said: “It takes ages to get a flattering angle. On average I have to lift my phone up about 50 times per selfie session.

“If you think of my iPhone as a weight, that’s at least 50 reps, which is actually a pretty intense bicep workout. Unfortunately by the time I’ve finished getting a good shot there’s rarely time to exercise the rest of my body.

“It’s a bit disappointing to spend so much time at the gym and still feel so unfit. I’d take up jogging as well but the selfies always come out really blurred and unflattering.

“Don’t even start me on swimming selfies. Those were an expensive mistake.

“Exercising is a real pain now I have to disguise the fact that I have one big, muscular arm and the rest of me is still pretty puny. Hopefully it will all even itself out eventually.”