It’s a shame for the kids, says everyone lapping up the juicy details

PEOPLE relishing the ‘Brangelina’ divorce have confirmed that it is indeed a shame for the kids.

After it emerged that the world’s most famous couple were to divorce, everyone said it was important to think of their young family before diving into the resulting cesspool of salacious tittle-tattle.

Mary Fisher said: “After reading several dozen articles about the sex, drugs and something about a bottle of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood that I don’t even understand, I really think it’s a shame about the kids.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m just loving this because that would all be tawdry and sleazy. I’m a nice person and I care about children.

“Now I need to get back to working out whose fault it is. Blame must be assigned, it’s part of the healing process.”

Office administrator Nikki Hollis said: “This is the most excitement I’ve had all year, it’s way more dramatic that anything that has actually happened to me in my own life.

“It’s a shame for the kids though, even if they were just adopted or whatever I still sympathise with the real-life victims of what is essentially quite a sad thing.

“But on the other hand, it’s an excuse to buy an actual print magazine for something other than the free flip-flops.”


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Worker builds comedy persona around lack of productivity

AN OFFICE worker has been cracking jokes about his lack of output in an attempt to make it acceptable.

Junior accountant Joseph Turner has done no work for the past 43 days, sailing through with light-hearted japes about how he is ‘the office slacker’, ‘The Grand Master of Slack’ and ‘Lord Slackington’.

Turner said: “There’s no way I’ll be ready to deliver the report next week. I haven’t even looked at the figures, let alone analysed them. Classic Turner behaviour!”

He added: “This is a carefully engineered game of bluff. Who would knowingly draw attention to something that could get them fired? Mind games.”

Turner’s manager Susan Traherne said: “It’s fine, I myself haven’t been truly productive for years and I don’t expect much from the morons I hired except the odd moment of wry amusement.”

However Turner’s colleague Stephen Malley said: “Joseph’s such a loveable rogue that you can’t help but laugh even when the team misses its targets because of his laziness which means no bonus for anyone.

“Sometimes I joke that I want to bury my fist deep in his smirking, bone idle face.”