ITV Fined £6m For Ant & Dec

ITV was last night fined a record £6m for Ant and Dec.

Media regulator Ofcom said the fine was by far the highest it had ever imposed, but still failed to reflect the full eye lacerating horror of Saturday Night Takeaway, Gameshow Marathon and Soapstar Superstar.

ITV was fined £1m for showing Gameshow Marathon, another £1m for broadcasting Soapstar Superstar and a whopping £3 million for Saturday Night Takeaway, which Ofcom chief executive Ed Richards described as 'a stinking pile of re-heated turd'.

Richards said: "People who have to stay in on a Saturday night and watch TV are friendless and vulnerable, we should be trying to make them love life again, not stick forks in their eyes and hang themselves.

"ITV is in a position of great trust and, for some reason, people turn to it expecting to see proper shows.

"They don’t expect to see a pair of unintelligible Geordie munchkins winking at each and grinning like a couple of retards."

Richards said ITV had shown a 'blatant disregard' for the note he sent them last year which read: "Stop making all this shit with Ant and Dec in it."

He added: "Britain’s Got Talent? I don't think so, otherwise why is everything on ITV fronted by this pair of charmless pricks?"

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Government To Reclassify Very Strong Tea

STRONG tea is to be reclassified as a category B drug, home secretary Jacqui Smith announced last night.

Smith is to strengthen the law despite official advice that strong tea is no more harmful to society than alcohol, tobacco and cheese.

Since tea was downgraded in 2004 there has been widespread concern about the increase in stronger varieties including Purple Haze, Tetley Red Bush and the infamous 'skonk'.

Rejecting claims she had been influenced by the Daily Mail's Campaign for Weak Tea, Ms Smith added: "Our police forces are all too familiar with the consequences of tea that has been left to stew for too long."

Smith also unveiled a new Home Office guide to drug terminology in a bid to keep vulnerable young people fully informed. The latest terms include:

Skonk: Tea that has been left to stew in the pot for more than half an hour and then served with just a tiny drop of milk

Skink: A type of Scottish soup made with smoked haddock, onions and cream. Category A. Banned since 1973.

Skank: A dirty slapper who'll do anything for a bottle of Bacardi Breezer and a deep fried sausage.

Skunk: A small black and white mammal known for its strong defensive odour. Made famous by the popular cartoon character and master of seduction, Pepe Le Pew.