Capello Picks Gerrard To Miss Crucial World Cup Penalty

FABIO Capello has picked Steven Gerrard as the man who will miss England's crucial World Cup semi-final penalty in 2010.

Setting out his targets for the next four years, the England coach said despite a series of poor performances, his team will fluke its way to a heartbreaking semi-final, filled with missed chances and nail-biting extra time, before ending in a calamitous penalty shoot-out.

He added: "I know these players have the right mix of high salaries and grinding mediocrity to create a very real sense of false hope.

"When I took this job I knew I would be expected to not only take them to a World Cup semi-final, but to ensure they lost that semi-final in the most catastrophic way imaginable.

"I am certain that Steven Gerrard is the right man to instill confidence before sending the ball high into the stands."

Capello has also singled out the normally mild mannered Owen Hargreaves to lose his cool when England are 1-0 up in a tense quarter-final against Holland.

"The England fans just love it when a key player is sent off in the second last minute of extra-time in a crucial game against incredibly tough opposition."

FA chairman Lord Triesman said: "Some may say that it's wrong to set targets in this way.

"But I think England fans deserve an unbearable penalty shoot-out where Steven Gerrard – the sort of player you can absolutely rely on in these situations – balloons it over the bar like a total arse.

"Let's just hope it's against Germany."

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Johnson Bans Scotsmen From The Tube

BORIS Johnson is to ban Scotsmen from the London Underground in a bid to make the Tube more bearable for everyone else.

The London mayor said a Scots-free Tube would be less intimidating for ordinary travellers, and would not smell so badly of chips, blood, spilt lager and urine.

He said: "As we all know the Scot is incapable of sitting on anything with wheels attached unless already drunk, or carrying enough booze to knock out an Irish bank manager and his wife for a weekend.

"For god’s sake man. It’s eight-thirty in the morning. You’re only going two stops on the Northern Line to get to your doorway. Do you really need six cans and a hip flask?

"Am I your best pal? I don’t think so. We’ve never actually been formally introduced and it is unlikely that my best pal would be urinating on my foot."

Karen Simmons, of Passengers First!, said it was important London took a strong stand against all forms of Scottishness on public transport.

She said: "I am not your 'hen' and my 'jaiket' looked just fine without the spittle, thank-you."

However, Bob Crow, leader of the RMT union, said his members were not trained to distinguish Scotsmen from other illegal foreigners.

He added: "And what about the Romanians? They’re violent and don’t speak English. How are we supposed to tell them apart?"