Kid with ferret doesn’t need to f**k about with Pokemon

A SMALL boy with a pet ferret has confirmed that it is far better than any Pokemon.

10-year-old Tom Logan’s grey ferret ‘Gef’ is a real life mini-monster that lives in his pocket and is always primed for combat.

He said: “The whole idea of Pokemon is just a shit pretend type of ferret-keeping for people who are scared of getting the tips of their fingers bitten off.

“With a ferret you get all the fun of having a small, hostile creature with a weird-shaped body, and you get the fun ‘treasure hunt’ element because ferrets are always running away to hide in dark places.

“The only downside is his pungent anal glands, as far as I know that’s not an issue with Pokemon.”

Logan’s schoolfriend Martin Bishop said: “We used to tease Tom for being a scruffy loner who wears a massive wax jacket even in the summer.

“Then we realised he had a real monster in it, and compared that to our lame electronic equivalent, and realised he is awesome.”

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Lloyds fires local branch staff who actually caused the financial crisis

LLOYDS Bank has disposed of 3,000 local bank workers who started the financial crisis from their roles behind counters. 

The bank claims that its provincial staff are the very ones who destabilised the world economy in 2008, and it took eight years to find them hiding in frontline roles in places like Truro. 

A Lloyds Bank spokesman said: “These miscreants somehow, while ostensibly serving pensioners who won’t do this computer nonsense, managed to send the nation into crisis while leaving fake evidence trails back to some of our most highly-paid staff. 

“Thankfully, they’ve been cleared of any crime and the time has come to purge the bank of rotten apples from the bottom up.”

Fired branch manager Joanna Kramer of Bredbury said: “Nobody talks me in the street now.

“I’ve gone from banker to benefits claimant, and they’re the two people whose fault everything is.”