Led Zeppelin II, and other albums your dad's just seen a documentary about

HAS your dad just spent an evening furiously reminiscing about his youth after a music documentary on BBC Four? Prepare for him to drone on about these ‘classics’.

Fleetwood Mac, Rumours

Looking forward to chatting to your parents in person after years of Covid restrictions? Rather than getting the chance to talk about your new job or how your young daughter is doing, prepare for an impassioned lecture from your dad about how everyone in Fleetwood Mac was shagging and hated each other and that’s why Rumours is brilliant. 

Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin II

Did you know that Led Zeppelin wrote and recorded most of the album while on tour? Yes, because your dad told you the same fact when he last watched the same documentary about three weeks ago. Brace yourself for a lengthy diatribe about how none of today’s bands could hold a candle to ‘The Zep’.

Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon

The thing that brings your father the greatest happiness isn’t friends, his partner, or his children; it’s sitting down to watch a four-hour documentary about ‘prog rock’s magnum opus’. According to your dad, ‘The Floyd’ were writing albums about people with mental health issues years before other introspective artists, although he uses the phrase ‘nutters and loons’.

Adele, 21

Your dad insists that he loves to support new, up-and-coming artists, and Adele is no doubt grateful for his patronage. There’s gushing praise from your dad: she’s ‘a marvellous young singer with a cracking set of pipes.’ Disconcertingly, you suspect he may just fancy her after losing all that weight. Is he mentally cheating on your mum with Adele? 

Steely Dan, Aja

Having your parents around to babysit is a real blessing. However, instead of spending quality time with their grandchild, you learn that your dad tried to radicalise your six-year-old into being a Steely Dan fan by forcing them to watch a three-hour-long documentary. Your local babysitter may frequently turn up stoned, but at least they’ve never done that.

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Discovering there wasn't any sex on TV even after the watershed: disappointments kids today will never know

WERE you saddened to discover that telly wasn’t all soft porn after 9pm? You were probably gutted by these other childhood revelations too.

There was still no sex on telly after the watershed

You were sent to bed before 9pm every night because something mysterious called ‘the watershed’ happened, which you assumed meant all four channels started showing porn. When you finally got to watch evening programming it just turned out to be unerotic Panorama documentaries about salmonella.

Smoking in pubs is horrible

The thought of being grown-up enough to smoke a cigarette while drinking a beer was incredibly glamorous to kids. However once it was banned, even smokers realised it just meant spending the night in an acrid haze that made your eyes water, and your clothes stank the next morning.

You’ll never get through on a Saturday morning TV phone-in

You watched Going Live! religiously on Saturday and phoned in for every competition or opportunity to ask a shit band like Five Star an inane question. Each week you truly believed that this would be your day, but it never, ever was. To complete this hard lesson in life your mum shouted at you for calling premium rate numbers.

Pac-Man 2 wasn’t worth the wait

Having spent the 80s having the time of your life munching ghosts in Pac-Man, you thought Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures for the SNES would be an improvement on the classic. Unfortunately, they ruined it by giving Pac-Man emotions and a storyline, making the 14-year wait a terrible disappointment.

Having a computer in your pocket is a pain in the arse

Young people today have never known what it was like not to have a miniature computer constantly in their hand, so they don’t realise it hasn’t turned out as amazing as you imagined when you were a kid. You don’t use it to summon your hoverboard, you use it to read abuse on Twitter and be constantly pestered by friends, your partner and co-workers. Growing up is shit.