Left-wing masturbators accept challenge of Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher

LEFT-WING masturbators have accepted the gauntlet thrown down when Gillian Anderson was cast as Margaret Thatcher, they have confirmed. 

Male and female X-Files fans are building up to what has been dubbed the ‘toughest wank in a generation’ as Anderson portrays the Iron Lady in the new series of The Crown.

Labour party member and committed self-pleasurer Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve flicked the bean to some pretty weird stuff in my time, but I never thought it would come to this.

“Am I really going to give myself the old downstairs high-five to Maggie waving her way in to Downing Street? Handbag and all?

“My fanny’s reaction to the promotional shots released this week suggested that yes, I very much will. And maybe her getting it on with Princess Di.”

Tom Booker, aged 49, agreed: “I made a solemn vow a long time ago that I’d crack one out to Gillian Anderson in any scenario, and it’s time to put that to the test.

“Honestly, I feel it would be easier to stroke the angry man to images of Gillian banging my dad than presiding over the miners’ strike. But anything for Scully.”

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How to fire people without them realising, by a boss

AFTER a tough year, being honest with your employees about their dismissal and subsequent destitution is a step too far. These corporate phrases should disguise it: 

Unprecedented trading conditions

We’ve lost a lot of money, so you’ll have to be made redundant in order for my job and salary not to be affected in the slightest. I’m worth it because I have to do difficult things like tell you this unpleasant news and pretend I still have a soul.

Sustainable decision-making

Most of you are getting made redundant, but rest assured it’s only the ones we never really liked or who’ve done anything awkward in the last six months, like not turn on their cameras for Teams calls or take a break to feed their kids.

Rightsizing our headcount

Who could object to rightsizing? What, you’d prefer wrongsizing? Makes job cuts defensible, even though the right size will basically fit into a matchbox and, of course, the lucky ones who keep their jobs will each have to do the work of six people.

Rationalising the cost base

What was it Boris said we were all going to have to retrain as? If I were you, I would start looking into that.

We’re dehydrating this facility

What? Yeah you just heard that. We’re now so repellent and convoluted that you’d rather kneecap yourself than suffer any more of this vile corporate bullshit. Run far away and fling yourself upon the mercy of the bumpy winter the prime minister has promised: anything’s better than this.