Local TV to give prejudiced, small-minded communities a voice

SMALL regional TV stations are to provide an outlet for the stupid opinions of petty, annoying bigots living in remote places.

Culture secretary Jeremy Chunt is inviting windbags, freaks and racists from the nation’s most godforsaken places to have a crack at running their own television stations.

He said: “The existing, London-centric content does cater for idiots – but not local idiots. Plus I can’t wait to see what these inbreds come up with.”

Retired army officer Julian Cook, who lives in a hamlet near Minety and has a ‘No Turning’ sign at the bottom of his drive, has been granted one of the first local TV licenses for his home-based channel called ‘The Gladstone’.

He said: “There will be a daily minstrel show featuring myself and Ian the butcher as ‘The Coco Brothers’, vole racing live from the village hall and footage of next door’s hedge, which is in a terrible state and needs sorting out.

“Plus I will be hosting a weekly discussion show titled I Think This Lot Should Be Put On An Island And Blown Up Because…

“And we are going to do a remake of Lost using wheat instead of actors.”

Some local television formats have already been picked up by major broadcasters.

Farmer Roy Hobbs has developed the game show Bloody Funny Business, where a brother and sister must share a room for a week without committing any incestuous acts in order to win agricultural machinery.

It will transfer to Channel Five in the summer.



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Warsi asked to explain why Dubai locks you up for having a shag

BARONESS Warsi will today be asked to explain why some Muslim countries lock you up for having naked fun with someone you have just met.

As the UK’s first female muslim cabinet member accused Britain of anti-muslim prejudice, Dubai inconveniently locked up a British woman for having it off with a man by whom she is not legally owned.

In a keynote speech, the co-chairman of the Tory Party will say that foul-mouthed, anti-muslim slogans have now been scratched onto the majority of Britain’s dining room tables.

But experts have stressed that anti-Islamic intolerance may be directly proportional to the number of news stories about stonings, honour killings and throwing people in jail for having secular orgasms.

Tom Logan, professor of complicated issues at Reading University, said: “Baroness Warsi may say these are cultural rather than religious values and these countries are behaving in a way that is not truly muslim. But they say they are and it’s reasonable to assume they know as much about Islam as she does.

“She also complains about dividing muslims into extremists and moderates, but I do that with Christians as well. And, for that matter, cricket fans, environmentalists and people who watch Masterchef.

“There’s nothing wrong with not liking extremism, though at some point you do have to decide what it actually is. And I would say it covers things like Nick Griffin, the Daily Mail, honour killings, sending long, emotional letters to failed Masterchef contestants and handing out jail sentences for casual fucking.”

He added: “When someone says ‘it’s okay, they’re not very muslim’  they’re not saying ‘it’s okay, they’ll have a sneaky glass of cider’ they’re saying ‘it’s okay, they’re not very supportive of imprisoning women who have been raped’.

“A lot of people have a problem with rape victims being jailed, particularly on religious grounds. That doesn’t make you a Nazi. It actually makes you the opposite of a Nazi.

“Which I suppose would make you a gay, Jewish gypsy who hates motorways and violence.

“Which actually sounds rather lovely.”