London 'party boat' offers chance to be trapped with 1500 w*nkers

A RIVER cruiser on the Thames offers guests a chance to be stuck offshore with up to 1500 braying w*nkers for a minimum of six hours.

One of an increasing number of ‘events mega-boats’, the Ocean Party Queen has no means of escape except jumping to your likely death in a fast-flowing river full of shopping trolleys and dead things.

Captain Norman Steele said: “Much like being press-ganged into the navy in the 18th century, it’s only once we cast off that you really realise there is no way back to dry land. 

“As the night wears on and hundreds of tw*ts s wave glow sticks around as the DJ plays ‘I Gotta Feeling’ for the third time, panic will set in and you’ll rush to the deck for some air. 

“There you’ll be confronted by lightweights spewing Prosecco over the side, and you’ll realise there’s another three f*cking hours of this. It could drive a man mad, I tells ya.

“The curious thing is that some customers get a taste for it and book a proper ocean cruise for weeks of living hell surrounded by b*llends.”

Reveller Donna Sheridan said: “It was like being in a really sh*t nightclub. But you can leave those without getting mangled by the propellers.”

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Britain to defend itself with a*sey attitude

WITH a dwindling navy, the UK will protect its interests abroad with our miserable, complaining attitude, the government has announced.

After Iranian vessels threatened a British oil tanker, the Ministry of Defence said it could not afford new warships but has a plentiful supply of moaning b*stards to deter would-be attackers.

A spokesman said: “If the Iranians approach another tanker we will simply place a dinghy full of whinging Brits in their path. Using megaphones they will then bombard the enemy with complaints about wheelie bins, broadband speeds and dog mess.

“The excruciating tedium will force the attackers to retreat. Britain has a deadly arsenal of moans at its disposal, from increases in council tax to how the new series of Killing Eve wasn’t as good as the first one.

“The RAF is also trialling a system to stop Russian bombers entering our airspace by getting a gran to talk to them over the radio about the many failings of today’s young people.”

Member of the public Wayne Hayes said: “It’s all well and good protecting our oil tankers, but who’s going to do something about this funny weather we’ve been having lately?

“You don’t know whether to wear shorts or put on a raincoat. Also, why don’t they make decent sitcoms like Dad’s Army these days?”