Saturday, 8th May 2021

London 'party boat' offers chance to be trapped with 1500 w*nkers

A RIVER cruiser on the Thames offers guests a chance to be stuck offshore with up to 1500 braying w*nkers for a minimum of six hours.

One of an increasing number of ‘events mega-boats’, the Ocean Party Queen has no means of escape except jumping to your likely death in a fast-flowing river full of shopping trolleys and dead things.

Captain Norman Steele said: “Much like being press-ganged into the navy in the 18th century, it’s only once we cast off that you really realise there is no way back to dry land. 

“As the night wears on and hundreds of tw*ts s wave glow sticks around as the DJ plays ‘I Gotta Feeling’ for the third time, panic will set in and you’ll rush to the deck for some air. 

“There you’ll be confronted by lightweights spewing Prosecco over the side, and you’ll realise there’s another three f*cking hours of this. It could drive a man mad, I tells ya.

“The curious thing is that some customers get a taste for it and book a proper ocean cruise for weeks of living hell surrounded by b*llends.”

Reveller Donna Sheridan said: “It was like being in a really sh*t nightclub. But you can leave those without getting mangled by the propellers.”