Grown woman obsessed with Disney told to get a grip

A 36-YEAR-OLD woman who is obsessed with Disney films should take a long hard look at herself, a friend believes.

Eleanor Shaw has subscribed to Disney Plus and watches a different Disney movie every weekend, estimating she has seen The Lion King 153 times.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “It’s very strange to witness a grown woman having a meltdown because she finds out you’ve never watched Aladdin.

“Eleanor only watches Disney films, saying they’re ‘cute’, ‘fun’ and ‘magical’, and enjoys them totally non-ironically, even though she’s a qualified solicitor and an actual human adult.

“She was very upset about the Little Mermaid in the new film being black because she was originally white and therefore the new film won’t be ‘realistic’. I pointed out that if she wanted it to be realistic they’d have to cast an actual f**king mermaid. 

“She wants me to go on holiday to Disney World with her, but I’m worried we’ll get arrested if she tries to get off with Donald Duck.”

Shaw said: “I’m not weird about Disney. It’s just that when I die I want my ashes to be scattered at Cinderella Castle. Or Space Mountain.”

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Five 'out of office' emails you'd like to leave for the bastards at work

DO you wish you could be brutally honest in your ‘I am out of the office’ email when you go on holiday? Here are some suggestions.

Hi. I am out of the office now and cannot get involved in stupid office politics. So if Suzanne has left a dirty mug in the sink again I suggest you f**k off and get a life, or call 999 and let the police deal with it.

Hi. I am out of the office now, so take your boring business bullshit and stick it up your arse. Literally. Put your dreary Powerpoint presentations on an external hard drive and ram them right up your jacksies.

Hi. I am out of the office now and unable to listen to your shit-for-brains conversations. This includes the the sales lads’ depressing ‘bantz’ about ‘munters’ and anal sex, and also Maureen’s drivel about how accurate her psychic is.

Hi. I am out of the office now. Please go to hell if you are one of the following:

● Some idiot from an office supplies company who will not accept that I am not the person who bulk buys handwash for the toilets; 

● A teenager asking about work experience who then never replies after I’ve spent ages making enquiries and sending them the right contact details, you little shit;

● The idiot who keeps ringing me even though I have explained 15 times this is not a cab firm. 

Hi. I am out of the office now. I am drinking wine and eating the best sardines ever. I am never coming back and have decided to become a Portuguese fisherman. This may not be the right career decision, but it is better than listening to Gavin’s golf anecdotes.