Boris’s guide to being Trump’s bitch

WHAT ho! If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that sometimes you can’t avoid kissing the a*se of an unstable orange buffoon. Here’s how to do it.

Remember Donald’s playground insults are actually very clever 

This week Donald called the British ambassador “very stupid”. He has many other witty put-downs, such as “douchebag”, “pussy” and “dumb f*ck”. I have to admit I laugh like a drain at the sparkling badinage of this latter day Wilde, I really do. 

Do what Donald says  

Donald is a man who’s used to getting what he wants – and good on him, I say! So when we last met and he asked me to “dance like a clown, you the British clown guy”, I readily obliged, prancing foolishly around the room for almost an hour until he told me to stop. It was enormous fun.

Learn to speak Trumpish 

Trump’s use of English is somewhat different to other people’s. For example, “the cat sat on the mat” will come out as “We have cats, very good cats, the best cats, sitting on mats, all sorts of mats, the bigliest mats”. Some might say this is the garbled speech of an imbecile, but who except the most brilliant of minds could invent their own language?

Be unquestioningly loyal at all times

Contrary to popular belief, Donald does not get into disputes because he is a belligerent f*ckwit. So when we were having dinner and he started shouting at a waiter I gave the fellow a good kick in the buttocks as he scuttled off to the kitchen. I think Donald liked that, although it’s sometimes hard to tell because he goes partially to sleep, like an evil lizard.

Pray he is not being literal 

I used to think that if Donald said “Kiss my ass!” he was speaking figuratively, but after certain allegations about certain videos I am no longer so sure. All I’m saying is that on my next visit to the States I shall be taking plenty of mouthwash.