Love Island, and other shows that should have been put down sooner

LOVE Island ratings are falling because ‘hot morons in a villa’ may have run its tawdry course. These shows staggered on long after their natural deaths: 

Only Fools and Horses (1981-2003)

A sitcom about a chancer’s doomed schemes became a soap opera about finding love, a shift so large and unwarranted it’s like finding out the Fast X sequel focuses on Hobbs battling inoperable bowel cancer.

Love Island (2015-ongoing)

To paraphrase Auden, ‘They thought that tits + arse + bikinis + abs + sunshine = £££ would last forever: they were wrong.’ There’s a limit to how entertaining morons talking shite can be, with only the odd super-dense highlight like ‘How did trees evolve into people?’

Catchphrase (1986-2004 and 2013-ongoing)

Amazingly shit even by low-brow quiz show standards. It staggered on for 18 years, filling some TV liminal space on Saturday afternoon, before a visionary ITV executive thought ‘Why would anyone care about at a picture of a robot with a bird in his hand standing next to a further two birds in a bush?’ and the fatal gunshot rang out. Still on, still dead.

Question Time (1979-ongoing) 

Not actually cancelled yet, but with a tiny audience and hated across the political spectrum, it can’t be far off. It’s been going for a staggering 44 years, but for the last five it’s basically been The Brexit and Immigration Show as politicians fearfully give cagey non-answers that won’t upset delicate racists.

Top of the Pops (1964-2006)

TOTP reached the 1970s and evolved no further. By the 1990s you half expected Nicky Campbell to say: ‘That was the Stone Roses with Fools Gold, and next up Mud with Tiger Feet!’ After not updating it in decades the BBC decided it was old-fashioned and cancelled it. Ever since, no-one has a clue who’s in the charts except Sheeran, Styles and Swift.

Last of the Summer Wine (1973-2010)

It’s amazing Roy Clark squeezed two series out of these ageing Northern twats. It was still going 37 f**king years later. The only explanation is that the untaxing, bathtub-related humour provided a respite from modern life, the equivalent of Michael Jackson deciding to unwind with some propofol.

Poirot (1989-2013)

David Suchet’s definitive Belgian detective circled the schedules like a Ringwraith, threatening to make you watch when there was f**k all else on. It was cancelled after 13 series of strip-mining, at which point Hollywood said: ‘Hey! Let’s make them all again, forever!’ Hope you’ve pre-booked your tickets for A Haunting In Venice.

Brookside (1982-2003)

Brookside produced years of plausible small new-build close storylines like murders, cults and bombings, but as the ideas ran out it went insane. A cat died in a drive-by shooting and Brookie closed with the cheerful community lynching of a drug dealer.

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Man's augmented reality device is eight pints

A MAN has recreated Apple’s new augmented reality headset on the cheap by drinking eight pints, it has emerged.

Early adopter Martin Bishop has dodged the £2,849 price tag of the Apple Vision Pro by swiftly necking 154 fluid ounces of five per cent bitter on an empty stomach to achieve similar, reality-enhancing results.

He said: “I’ve saved myself well over two and a half grand, plus I don’t look like a prick wearing ski goggles. Checkmate, Apple.

“My gadget might take a bit longer to kick in, but the results speak for themselves. Users can still see the real world while in a better one where they are supremely confident, effortlessly hilarious, and all the women look hotter and are into you.

“There are no updates to download, the battery lasts all day if you pace yourself, it’s intuitive to use and safeish for kids. Just think about unwisely buying fags or texting your ex and you’ve already done it ten minutes ago. 

“Admittedly the tech leaves people unable to function properly for a day after using it, but this is just a teething issue. The first iPhone didn’t even have GPS.”

London-based drinker Donna Sheridan said: “Eight pints for less than £2,849?”