Luke Skywalker not in new Star Wars film because he was always shit

LUKE Skywalker does not appear in the new Star Wars movie because he is the worst character in the series by far, it has been confirmed.

Director JJ Abrams responded to rumours that Skywalker is the villain of the new trilogy by saying they told Mark Hamill that just so they could cover him up with a hood. 

He continued: “Luke Skywalker is a farm boy in a strop who sees the greatest wonders of the galaxy and compares them all to shooting womp rats in a desert. 

“And his hair is weird. His aunt was probably cutting it and she got killed by stormtroopers, but he should have sorted it out by Return of the Jedi.”

Abrams revealed that Skywalker will make his first appearance in the third movie in the trilogy, in 2019, where he gets one line before being sucked out through an airlock and exploding in space.

Fan Joseph Turner said: “To be fair, he never had the charisma of the beeping robot or the big hairy fella.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Due to 40 per cent budget cuts at the Ministry of Astrology, your star sign has been merged with Sagittarius. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This weekend you’ll name your hangover bowel movement ‘Kill Bill’ as it’ll take so long you need to split it into two sittings.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a parent, all you’ve ever wanted for your kids is to have the opportunities you didn’t, such as the opportunity to say ‘my father is an alcoholic shoplifter’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your aura takes on a vibrant vermillion hue today, indicating the comets that recently entered your sign have turned you into a Communist.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You get all your Christmas shopping done early on Monday as your dealer has a batch going cheap to help pay off some loan sharks.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Everyone leaves a 007 film pretending to be hard and you’re no different this week as you walk out of the cinema and punch yourself in the gents.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
When life gives you lemons, squeeze lemon juice into your eyes while wailing “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, LIFE! YOU DID THIS!”

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Instead of the stars you turn to reading the future in cow’s entrails. The week ahead has a lot of grass in store.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Friday, you find your Freedom of Information request for the length and girth of George Osborne’s penis has been turned down. So tiny, then. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No news from your bank about the loan to start a business selling cheap Dr Who hats called Capaldi.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Nobody believes your claim that you’re headlining next year’s Glastonbury hitting pots and pans with a rolling pin, but it will be months before they can definitively say it is untrue. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Sunday you board a ghost train, filled with decrepit, dead-eyed spectres who nobody dare approach, then you enter the next carriage and realise that was just First Class.