Machine getting sick of carrying Florence

THE machine from Florence + the Machine is getting tired of doing all the work, it has revealed.

The duo shot to fame in 2007, but while Florence Welch has become a superstar, the machine has only done photo-shoots for specialist manufacturing magazines.

The machine said: “Without me she’d be nothing. We should be called The Machine and Florence. But she’s an egotistical maniac.

“There’s only ever one invite to the Brit Awards, with her name on it. I sometimes think I should have become a tumble dryer or an espresso maker, like my brother, Ian.

“But if you ask the real fans they’ll say they’re all about the machine. They keep asking when I’m going solo.”

The machine refused to comment on rumours it is ready to ditch Florence and form a supergroup with the whale from Noah & The Whale.

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I just want you to be happy, Sturgeon tells Miliband

ED Miliband and Nicola Sturgeon have once again failed to fully explore their emotional wants and needs.

In a passionate row, the Labour and SNP leaders discussed their feelings for each other in front of a live and deeply uncomfortable audience.

Trembling and close to tears, Miliband asked Sturgeon: “What is it you want me to do, Nicola? What am I not doing already? I can’t read your mind.

Sturgeon replied: “I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. But I don’t think you know what happiness really means anymore. How many fucking kitchens is it going to take?”

Miliband said: “Here we go with the kitchens. And yes, you always say you want me to be happy, but on your terms. It’s always on your terms, Nicola.”

Sturgeon then tried to interrupt, as Miliband screamed ‘what about me?’ over and over again.

Eventually Sturgeon said quietly: “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. You need to grow up. This is real life, Ed. It’s real to me anyway.”

Miliband then removed the watch Sturgeon had bought him for his birthday, threw it at David Dimbleby and ran out of the building.