Mad Men Dolls Already Having Complicated Affairs With Other Toys

TOYS based on characters from US TV series Mad Men are having complex, stylish affairs with other action figures, it emerged last night.

Owners of the new dolls, which are modelled on characters including philandering alpha male ad boss Don Draper and that ginger secretary with the truly remarkable charlies, say they wasted no time in having thinly-veiled intercourse with other attractive toys.

Teacher Tom Logan said: "As an avid collector of expensive and slightly pathetic adult-oriented action figures, I bought the full set.

"The next day I woke to find the house permeated with the stink of expensive liquor, full strength Marlboro and illicit motel room sex.

"Don Draper was missing, and my daughter's Hannah Montana doll was in tears, having just gotten off the phone to a toy abortion clinic.

"Meanwhile Don's doll wife Elizabeth has formed a tense, semi-platonic relationship with my son's Buzz Lightyear, which is the subject of much speculation among the other inhabitants of the toy cupboard.

"And I'm desperately trying to put my marriage back together after a drunken one-night stand with the chesty secretary."

He added: "Damn that beautiful, coquettish polyurethane minx. She's so fucking cool, it's driving me goddam nuts."

But manufacturers Mattel have denied responsibility, claiming the box clearly states the figures 'may indulge in morally ambiguous and/or sexist behaviour'.

A spokesman said: "These are sophisticated, maverick dolls whose marital relations are underscored by dark secrets and simmering resentment. They work hard, play hard, occasionally smoke pipes and never seem to get hangovers."

The company is also planning a range of toys based on previous best thing ever The Wire, including a corrupt policeman doll and a black drug dealer doll that is going to fuck you up, bitch.

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Vatican Possessed By Perverts, Says Scientist

THE Vatican is possessed by lots of perverts who like to fiddle with little boys, according to a scientist.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said a spate of completely non-mysterious events within the Roman Catholic church were definitely caused by deviant priests.

He added: "I have seen them with my own eyes. They wear black clothes and little white dog collars and often go by ancient names like 'Joe' and 'Bob' and 'Francis'. At the weekend they put on brightly coloured smocks and chant things in Latin.

"There is a long established ritual for dealing with them whereby you restrain them using what's known as a policeman.

"But beware – when they are having their rights administered to them some strange things may come out of their mouths such as 'help me, I'm possessed by the devil' or 'I'm a priest and you're all going to hell'.

"In the next stage of the ancient ritual they are brought before 12 randomly selected members of the community, often in a special wood panelled room and the facts of the case are presented and debated by two teams of lawyers.

"The ritual is completed when the 12 people deliver a verdict and the priest is either set free or sent to a prison or secure psychiatric facility where he can be treated for his mental illness."

Professor Brubaker stressed there were only a small number of sick perverts in the Roman Catholic Church and the rest of the staff were simply deluded maniacs with a dangerously medieval world view who believed in things like Satan.

He added: "I suppose you could say there are ancient demons in the Vatican but only in a purely metaphorical sense, you understand?

"If I had to give special names to these 'demons' I would probably call them 'Paedophile' and 'Cover-up'."

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