Madame Web, and six other films you could improve in moments even though you're thick

SOMETIMES a film is so flawed you think of obvious improvements while looking in the fridge for a snack. Here are some that suggest you should be being paid millions in Hollywood.

Madame Web (2024)

Your brilliant idea? Put superheroes in a superhero film. In this case by your characters becoming the superheroes they’re destined to be before the end of the film. Then they can wear cool costumes and do exciting stuff, rather than being three fairly annoying teenage girls bickering. Sadly the existing version of Madame Web is the equivalent of Jaws concluding with: ‘Tell you what, let’s go back and get a bigger boat.’ ‘Makes sense.’ THE END.

Cocaine Bear (2023)

Your brainwave is this: make a film not based on one solitary joke, which in this case is: bears don’t take cocaine! Ho ho. Then you wouldn’t have to pad the other 94 minutes with random nonsense only Keri Russell’s most obsessive stalker would have enjoyed. This would also have benefited Snakes on a Plane. Or as your improved version would be titled: Snakes, Evil Doll and a Sharknado on a Plane.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

This franchise is one of the worst offenders when it comes to ghosts causing pointless ‘scares’. What would be far better is a ghost or demon with a clear strategy. This demon torments hapless protagonist Katie by… opening doors. Since it feeds off negative energy, why not just keep stabbing her in the leg with knives? That would produce more negative energy. Or, even simpler, just hang around an A&E department? In fairness the film that probably started the trend was 1982’s Poltergeist, which features the unforgettable, stomach-turning horror of a broken glass of milk.

M3gan (2022)

Here’s what occurred to you: maybe don’t make the story identical to every previous evil robot/doll story? It’s a tad tedious to sit through characters laboriously going through the motions of: ‘What could be causing this sudden spate of violent deaths? My creepy, extremely strong android with a warped sense of morality? No, let’s not go jumping to conclusions.’

Attack of the Clones (2002)

Instead of Anakin doing bad things to save his wife and child, which is still trying to do what he thinks is right, why not have him actually seduced by the power of the Dark Side? Obi-Wan says it in the first film, so you don’t even need to think of it yourself. While you’re at it, after Anakin is turned into Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith, why not have him meet Padme? That would be dramatic. Although there probably wasn’t time for that and the exciting lizard/monocycle chase.

The Marvels (2023)

So many potential improvements, but let’s focus on: make your villain (A) in some way threatening, and (B) in some way competent. Obscure gender-swapped antagonist Dar-Benn looks as if she’d be scared to give an Amazon driver less than five stars, and, while searching for the all-powerful ‘Quantum Bands’, doesn’t notice someone wearing one of them in front of her. Sigh. That said, anyone who tries to kill the inhabitants of Aladna, the singing planet, deserves some credit.

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

‘Let’s stop doing this,’ is your visionary idea. Upon realising that your film is a characterless retread of a much better one, just stop. Think of all the things everyone could have done with their lives if they’d not been watching lame sequels to Die HardTransformersThe ConjuringThe Fast and the FuriousAlien and Star Wars. Plus Bruce Willis would be eternally grateful.

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Six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches Any Other Business

READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always have something to add.

The Bad Listener

Despite having sat through the same presentation as all the rest of you, this moron has managed to mishear, misunderstand and misinterpret every last word of it. Watch her ask for clarification on every point, even when it’s about something that has nothing to do with her or her department.

The Boaster

Not to keep anyone from their coffee or the work that urgently needs doing, but this twat needs to tell everyone about something mildly impressive that they did last week, which they think merits a standing ovation. Who knew that changing the font on order forms would up consumer satisfaction 2%? Who gives a toss?

The Shit-Stirrer

Remember that email someone sent round weeks ago that pissed off everyone in Accounts? Well, would you believe it, this pain in the arse thinks now is the right time to bring it up again, and give everyone the opportunity to air their grievances in such a way that this meeting now cuts into your lunch hour. Prick.

The Philosopher

Speaking of things that are irrelevant, would anyone like to hear a ten-minute monologue about how to approach client servicing? This pompous wanker thinks so, and he will turn his own ‘quick question’ into a meandering, incoherent treatise that motivates no one and, incidentally, will prevent actual f**king work getting done.

The Arse Licker

This brown-nosing little shit wants to thank the boss for their amazing skill at chairing the meeting, and express their gratitude for the valuable new insights they have gained into the machinations of the company. They are angling for a promotion, but they aren’t going to get one for extending this monotonous nightmare, however far they stick their tongue up their line manager’s sphincter.

The Reasonable Contributor

Yes, of course, it actually does make perfect sense for this person to raise this point now. And really, yes, it is important that you do get to the bottom of this before you carry on with the rest of your day. But fundamentally, you need a piss. So that means they’re getting lumped in with all the other arseholes, too. Just send an email instead, you wanker.