Man permanently scarred by four-star review of Radiohead album

A RADIOHEAD fan will never fully recover from reading a four-star review of their last album, it has emerged. 

38-year-old Nathan Muir, of Reading, said the less-than-perfect review for A Moon Shaped Pool has left him with long-term post-traumatic stress disorder. 

He continued: “When the album came out, all I could do was hope. Surely this time. Surely the reviewers would realise the harm they could do. 

“But when the first review arrived, in the Guardian, it was as plain as day. Four stars. Only four stars. 

“I tried to believe their review system had switched to a four-star scale. I tried to make them see reason by threatening to burn down their office in the comments section.

“Not only is the rating recorded on Wikipedia for generations to come, it’s brought the album’s Metacritic score to below Beyonce’s Lemonade, and she’s a woman. 

“I haven’t slept since. All I can see are those four stars burned in my retina, sapping my strength, leaving me hopelessly, wretchedly depressed. 

“Also I’ve been listening to a lot of Radiohead, which doesn’t help.” 

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Did you know, your star sign is also a variety of potato! So if you wouldn’t mind checking. Because you look a bit. Yeah. Yeah, thought so. You don’t need a horoscope. Because you’re a potato. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After spending months amassing evidence, rehearsing your arguments and proving once and for all it’s an invented nonsense to control people’s behaviour, you discover brunch isn’t a religious festival after all.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Sunday, you finally prove that there is a shadowy conspiracy controlling literally everything that takes place in Lancashire. Hiding in plain sight all these years, the Blackpool Illuminati. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Most people envy babies for their innocent wonder at the world and their capacity for unconditional love but for you, the fact they can shit anywhere they want is the clincher.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve already put a reminder in your diary not to go on Twitter on July 7th as it’ll be full of Chilcot Enquiry spoilers about whether Blair did it or not.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your yoga teacher tells you this week your flexibility has come on in leaps and bounds but reminds you that it’s weird to clean yourself like that unless you’re a cat.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A bad day at work today but at least you only caused a massive diplomatic incident with one country, so there are people out there who had it worse.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sunsets really are so beautiful, aren’t they? Much better than sunrises, which happen far too early to get drunk to. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Capricorn? You thought you were Capricorn? No, it’s Capri-Sun. You know, like the bagged drink. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your maternal instinct comes to the fore on Friday as you find an injured baby lamb in a nearby field and take it home to feed your kids with.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A personal victory at being voted of head of your local neighbourhood watch is marred by the fact you live in a lighthouse eight miles from the nearest village.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
When your brother said he’d like to be remembered and studied by future generations, he probably wasn’t hinting for you to push him into a tar pit.