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Man thinks of music from 2016 as new

A MAN still mentally classifies music from nearly a decade ago as new, fresh and unfair to expect him to have an opinion on.

37-year-old Tom Booker’s grasp of recency is so tenuous that if he hears Drake’s Hotline Bling or Zara Larsson’s Lush Life he is still a little bit proud of himself for knowing some of the chorus.

He said: “Ariana Grande, Beyoncé, Rihanna? These are all current artists still producing relevant music. Which means it’s essentially the present day.

“No, I haven’t listened to Lemonade yet but it’s on my list of albums to get round to. The singles are bangers, and just by saying that I’ve shown I’m into modern music and haven’t turned into my parents who desperately cling on to the tunes of their youth.

“Old music is stuff like the Beatles or Led Zeppelin. Not that there’s anything up with them, they just lack the contemporary punch of Justin Timberlake’s Can’t Stop the Feeling! I heard that on Heart FM the other day. Think it’s still in the top ten.

“Even the music of my youth, classics like Gorillaz’s Feel Good Inc, is still contemporary. There’s nobody been born and grown up and driving a car and voting since then. No way.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I pointed out that a referendum, five prime ministers and a pandemic have happened since Rag ’n’ Bone Man’s Human. I think I destroyed his sense of self.”

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Why aren't more Birmingham residents wearing whiteface? asks Robert Jenrick

I WENT walking around Handsworth in Birmingham the other week. And do you know what? Not one of its many residents made me more comfortable by ‘whiting up’. 

It wouldn’t have taken much. Just a little gesture of friendliness to make me feel more at home in an unfamiliar area of the country. Foundation in Caucasian shades was available in the shops, I checked.

After all, it’s not like we didn’t do the same for them. In the 60s and 70s, when we had many new black faces on the streets but none were yet presentable enough for television, we whites made them feel represented and ‘seen’ by blacking up.

In the spirit of friendliness and brotherhood, we applied boot polish and sang traditional spirituals on The Black and White Minstrel Show on prime time BBC1. And if it were necessary we’d do the same today.

But when the tables are turned? I regret to say not one of the residents of Handsworth, who could see how discomfited their appearances made me, did the decent thing.

A little pancake make-up. Pinstriped suits or floral dresses. Speaking in stiff Home Counties accents about business, dog shows or the importance of private schooling. If they’d made that basic effort, I would have felt welcomed.

Sadly, they refused even when asked directly to do so. Which just about sums up the attitudes of minorities in Britain today. It’s their way or the highway, no matter if they outrage decency and force ordinary people to vote racist.

Well, if I ever become Tory leader – unlikely, as Kemi is doing such a masterly job – I will mandate whiteface. Not for everyone, just one in every two. Because an integrated Britain is a better Britain.

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