Man throws self into path of combine harvester to avoid discussing what music he likes

A MAN decided to hurl himself into the blades of a combine harvester to avoid the agony of explaining what kind of music he enjoys.

Joe Turner, 29, was walking in the countryside with friends when an acquaintance asked one of the most harrowing questions a person can face: ‘What sort of music are you into?’

A combine harvester in a nearby field gave Turner the chance to dodge the question in favour of being horribly mangled, but he was thwarted by an alert farm worker seeing his suicidal dash toward the blades.

Turner said: “I was making small talk with this guy Steve when – totally out of nowhere – he asked what sort of music I listen to. I couldn’t believe it. What kind of sick bastard puts someone in that situation?  

“My mind was racing with questions. Can I get away with saying ‘a bit of everything’? Do people think Pitbull is cool? Will saying ‘early Bob Dylan’ make me sound like a complete wanker?

“In an amazing stroke of luck I saw a combine harvester nearby. It was an easy decision to make. I sprinted toward its horrific rotating blades, but sadly the driver shut it down before it sliced and diced me. Now I’ve got the far worse psychological pain of relating my taste in music.”  

Steve Malley, who posed the question, said: “There really wasn’t any need for Joe to hurl himself into agricultural machinery. I just wanted to see if we had anything in common. Personally, I’m a big fan of Bob Dylan’s earlier stuff.”

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Man thought ex had more class than to date a conventionally attractive nice guy

A MAN is disgusted that his former girlfriend has quickly shacked up with a man who is handsome, intelligent and kind. 

Just 11 months after they split, Martin Bishop’s ex Charlotte Phelps has shamelessly moved on to Tom Logan, a man who is not only handsome but also a thoroughly decent bloke.

Bishop explained: “When Charlotte broke up with me, I figured it was just a case of ‘right person, wrong time’, but that doesn’t seem to be the case now she’s found ‘Tom’.

“Instead of pining for me, or going out with someone who’s basically the same as me, that hussy is swanning around with a Ryan Gosling lookalike who opens doors for her and is ‘nice’ to her parents. What a slut.

“I thought she had more depth to her, that she could see past looks and personality to the person beneath all that, but it seems she’s just the same as all those other fake Instagram girls.

“Good luck winning me back, Charlie, because now I’ve seen your true colours it’s over for good.”

Phelps said: “I had my doubts about Tom because he’s good-looking and might be a bit vain, but he’s really nice, witty and smart. It’s funny because he’s the complete opposite of Martin. You’ve got to laugh, really.

“It’s taking a bit of getting used to. It was my birthday last week and I was totally expecting Tom to get me an Aero.”