Man trying to get Rule Britannia to number one as if people still give a f**k about the charts

A MAN who is trying to upset woke liberals by getting Rule Britannia to the top of the charts has failed to realise no one gives a toss about them anymore.

Norman Steele is convinced that getting the song to number one will prove something despite the fact that following the charts went out with buying vinyl singles from Woolworths.

Steele said: “I won’t be happy until Rule Britannia is at number one and performed on Top of the Pops every Thursday for weeks, with a suitably patriotic dance by Pan’s People.

“The lunatic left are trying to force us to accept their wacky beliefs as usual. They say it’s all about the genuine risk of spreading coronavirus by singing at the Proms, but I can see through their Marxist propaganda.

“I’m badgering all my friends to buy Rule Britannia on iTunes, even if everyone ignores download charts because Ed Sheeran’s drivel can fill the entire top 20.

“When it’s top of the hit parade all the young people will be listening to it and realise we Brits have all the best songs. It’ll probably be the end of rap music.”

Steele is currently checking online charts every 15 minutes to see if Rule Britannia is in the top 10 yet, while the government continues to blithely run the country into the ground. 

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The Tories' completely confusing guide to masks in schools

THE government has been criticised for making a total dog’s dinner of its mask policy for schools. Here is the latest official advice on wearing them, or maybe not bothering.

Masks protect others from the virus

So maybe pupils and teachers should wear them. But then again, lots of them WON’T have the virus. Perhaps only wear one if your school is in some frightful place like Oldham. 

Masks are a reminder to stay alert

Indeed. Then again, ‘Stay alert’ was just some hogwash we came up with last summer. We can’t even remember who thought of it. Gavin? Matt? Certainly not Boris. Anyway, it’s not summer any more, it’s autumn, a whole new ball game. All this rain probably washes the virus away, or something. 

Masks make schools feel like safe spaces

And so children can learn without fearing for their health. However, as Tories we hate the idea of making schools too safe. Wear masks, but only for a vicious game of rugger. Teachers should also encourage bullying, because a good thrashing in the corridor builds character.

Masks have prevented the spread of Covid-19 in other countries

So we should wear masks, right? Wrong. We British are made of sterner stuff than foreigners – bully beef and spunk. Did Nelson wear a flimsy little face mask at the Battle of Trafalgar? No. Did the Paras wear them while yomping into Port Stanley? No, and that settles the issue.

Masks are recommended in Scotland

Right. That’s the clincher. Britons never ever shall be slaves to Nicola Sturgeon. No masks, at least not for a week until we’re forced into another catastrophic U-turn.