£13 a day for saying you're ill and staying in sure to go smoothly, says Matt Hancock

THE health secretary has confirmed there is no way paying people £13 a day for saying they are ill and staying at home could ever go wrong. 

Matt Hancock explained that anyone who claims to be suffering from Covid symptoms will be paid the odd sum of £182 a fortnight as long as they also claim to be self-isolating. 

He said: “Free money for low-paid scum to sit at home and do nothing has always been a key plank of Conservative policy. 

“And when this scheme is applied arbitrarily by postcode, meaning one street gets the free cash while their neighbours get nothing, I think the whole country will recognise it as fair. 

“We’ve also made sure the system is absolutely open to fraud. All you need to do is fake a cough and pretend you’re self-isolating, and you’re getting an extra £91 a week on top of your cash-in-hand work. Don’t worry, there are no checks. 

“So that’s the latest government initiative that will go incredibly smoothly and be hailed as a success by everyone, especially all our newspapers who love benefits claimants. 

“I look forward to appearing on TV in a month to announce another U-turn when this policy goes predictably wrong. None of it matters. There are no consequences anymore.” 

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Vegan caught leering at cheese

A SHAMELESS vegan has been caught ogling a block of cheese with his mouth wide open and drool hanging out.

Tom Booker, who usually shuns all animal products, was distracted by the block of Morrisons mature cheddar as he reached to pick up a carton of oat milk.

Booker said: “It was clearly flirting with me by flaunting its Strength 3 label. I blame the staff for positioning it in my sanctimonious eyeline.

“I’ll admit my heart was racing as I stood there frozen in lecherous admiration. I imagined slowly grating it over a piping hot Quorn lasagne, the double standards only adding to the intensity of the flavour.

“In my head I was only looking for a couple of seconds. It was only when the manager asked me to leave because they were closing that I realised I’d miscalculated.”

Booker’s girlfriend Helen Archer said: “Tom says this is the first time but he does it every week during the big shop.

“I honestly don’t mind, although I think he could do better than that Morrisons own-brand rubbish. Maybe the cheapness is all part of the fun?”