Man who can’t get Radio 4 invites patronising posh friend over

A RADIO 4 listener whose radio suddenly died was able to recreate the experience by getting a talkative posh friend to come round.

Tom Logan found his privately educated friend Helen Archer could replicate the BBC station by prattling on all day about worthy subjects and obscure cultural stuff.

Logan said: “I desperately needed someone to read the news to me in a slightly condescending way.

“Also, Helen has a habit of turning problems that affect everyone, like NHS waiting lists, into a feminist issue, so that was Woman’s Hour sorted.

“I love Radio 4’s shows devoted to a quirky lifestyle topic and Helen’s been dabbling in Ayurvedic massage so she was able to drone on about that for an hour.

The Archers was more of a challenge, but Helen improvised a story about sheep ticks with an odd, socially aware subplot about lonely rural pensioners.”

Logan added: “My new radio from Amazon won’t arrive until Saturday, but Helen’s promised to come back tomorrow and do an arts show about the ‘new wave’ of Brazilian flamenco guitarists I don’t give a shit about.”

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May 'shed tear that burned through three floors and an intern'

THERESA May has admitted that the ‘devastating’ election result made her shed a tear which burned through a desk, three floors and an intern.

The tear, which the prime minister said was shed ‘for Britain’, rolled down her face like a bead of liquid mercury and hit the desk with a bang and flash which blinded everybody in the room.

When the smoke cleared, party staff realised from the screams downstairs that it had burned straight through the floor and was causing chaos on the level below.

May said: “It kept slowly burning through carpet, concrete and steel without showing any diminishing of its size or effect. The ceiling tiles looked like a meteor had hit them.

“Luckily on the third floor it landed on an intern and on contact with flesh began to mutate into something new and horrifying, which gave us time to stop it.

“The tear was eventually extracted and is being kept in a secure facility at Porton Down.”

May added: “They believe my little tear could be used to create a new bioweapon which could lay waste to whole continents. Nice one.”