Man who grew up in noughties realises he has no musical memories

A MAN whose teenage years coincided with the first decade of the 21st century has no recollection of any music made during that time.

Jordan Gardner, born in 1988, has strong memories of Little Britain, Arsenal going a whole season without losing a game and trading his Nokia for his first iPhone, but when it comes to music he draws a complete blank.

Gardner said: “My granddad’s always going on about The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. My Dad bangs on about The Sex Pistols, Blondie, U2 and watching this programme Top of the Pops they used to have until there was some sort of police crackdown on the presenters, apparently.

“I’ve got an older cousin who was into Blur and Oasis, who were some sort of big thing, the way he goes on about it.

“But I don’t recall any music at all in the noughties. I’d occasionally put on Radio 1 and there’d be this blizzard of beats and I’d have to turn it off again. Put me off reading my Harry Potter.”

Hannah Tomlinson of the NME website said: “This is ridiculous. There was a vast amount of memorable music made in the early 2000s. He could have been listening to Kings Of Leon, The Rakes, Ricardo Villalobos, Burial, Sam Sparro and a host of others.”

Gardner said: “I’m sorry, none of those names ring a bell at all. In fact, I think they’re made up.”

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The schoolkid's guide to twatting about on the way home

ARE you and your mates thrilled to be set free from school every afternoon? Here’s how to piss off innocent people also using the pavement. 

Ignore social distancing

Wander home slowly in large clumps, like semi-sentient mushrooms. Covid doesn’t affect you and no one really cares about it anyway. Don’t wonder why adults with fully formed brains are politely trying to step into the road without being run over.

Ostentatious swearing 

Childhood is a time to explore boundaries, but endlessly shouting ‘F**K OFF!’ at each other in squeaky, high-pitched voices like Alvin and the Chipmunks is just a bit tiresome. It’s unlikely that genuine hard cases like gangsters and drug dealers even bother with swearing, preferring to just cut people’s fingers off. But don’t do that.

Bloody melodrama

You MUST rush over to Keira to breathlessly repeat what Jayson said about Cassie, then scream about it. No, really, do this more often, preferably while crossing a busy road or, ideally, a motorway.

Shit bullying

If you’re going to bully someone, give them a good thump. Then any nearby adults will know they should immediately step in, rather than being caught in a time-wasting thought process of ‘Is this just kids larking around or is it serious? Also my Haagen-Dazs is melting.’

Create an impenetrable wall of parent cars

Get mum or dad to pick you up from school, ensuring that every nearby road is double-parked, traffic slows to a crawl and pedestrians have to squeeze between bumpers to cross the road. Don’t rush off, though. Have a good old chat about your music lesson.

Don’t actually go home yet

School finishes relatively early, so you are time-rich. You’ve got at least an hour to fill with enriching experiences such as throwing chips at each other outside Burger’N’Pizza and doing a shit ‘tag’ on a bin.