Manhunt 2 Released After Smoking Scenes Cut

THE role-playing video game Manhunt 2 has finally been cleared for release after producers agreed to remove all references to tobacco.

The game had been banned by the British Board of Film Classification for including 'some of the most gratuitous smoking' it had ever seen.

Denys Finch-Hatton, BBFC chairman, said: "After blasting his victims in the face with a shotgun, dismembering them with a chainsaw and then urinating into the severed head, the main character would, invariably, light up a cigarette.

"In one scene the game player approaches his enemy, engages him in conversation and then playfully rams a boat hook into his eye.

"All harmless fun until you notice that the action takes place in front of a '7-11' that could, quite easily, be selling tobacco products."

He added: "The game is brilliantly produced . The blood flow is exquisite and the sound of machete hacking through bone is absolutely thrilling.

"So why then ruin it with these disgustingly authentic whisps of tobacco smoke?"

Wayne Hayes, Manhunt's senior designer, said: "I want to assure our fans that you will still be able to push a three foot long, white-hot poker up a gang leader's back passage until the eyes pop out of his head, only this time he won't be smoking a cigar."

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No-One Buying Horseshit Excuse For Final Harry Potter Films

CLAIMS that it would be impossible to cram the 608-page Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows into just one film were last night believed by absolutely no-one.

Studio bosses said they would be forced to make two epic movies from the final installment because they simply could not decide which of JK Rowling’s brilliant words to leave out.

Tom Booker, head of project development at Warner Brothers, said: “This is a book filled with stunning pronouns, dazzling prepositions and world class punctuation.

“If we could, we’d make it into 12 films, each lasting 90 minutes, released three at a time, followed by a huge collector’s edition DVD boxed-set that comes with a free hat. Just so we can remain true to JK’s literary vision.”

But 11 year-old Nathan Muir from Watford said: “Bollocks. They just want to make twice as much money.”

He added: “I may only be 11 but that doesn’t mean I’m a fucking moron.”

Thirteen year-old Molly Gilmore, from Chester, added: “You bunch of greedy bastards. I don’t mind going to see two films – it’s not like I’ve got a job – but please don’t take me for a twat.”

Meanwhile Roy Hobbs, editor of Filmings magazine, said: “Alexandre Dumas’ The Count of Monte Cristo is 928 pages long and yet the film verision somehow manged to come in at just over an hour and a half.

“Obviously I mean the proper version with Richard Chamberlain and Tony Curtis, not that stinking bag of mince with the transvestite chap from Neighbours.”