MEL Gibson is to make the next Scottish referendum into a thrilling but poorly researched action movie.
Tartan Fury will tell the story of Nicola Sturgeon, a simple shortbread farmer forced to take up arms against sadistic English dictator Theresa May.
Gibson said: “The film opens with English soldiers massacring the entire population of Edinburgh. That actually happened in 2012, but the BBC suppressed it.
“The story moves forward to 2017 and Sturgeon’s farm in the idyllic highlands of Ben Nevis, where her family is killed by RAF Tornadoes dropping napalm to destroy Scotland’s vital shortbread supplies.
“Vowing revenge, Sturgeon – played by Scarlett Johansson – forms an army and marches on London. May responds by dispatching her most ruthless and feared troops, the Territorial Army.
“The two sides meet at the London Eye, where Sturgeon leads her tartan-clad troops into battle with the rousing cry of ‘REFERENDUM!’. Then there’s loads of fighting that goes on for ages.
“The Scots are facing defeat, but suddenly the Loch Ness Monster jumps out of the Thames and routs the English troops before incinerating Theresa May with its fiery breath.”
He added: “Some might say this is an unrealistic depiction of the referendum, but I feel my version is more artistically true than actual facts. May’s in the shit either way.”