Middle-aged velociraptors remembering the Jurassic Park good times

THE release of Jurassic World has seen middle-aged bespectacled velociraptors reminiscing about starring in its predecessor.

The dinosaurs, the breakout hit of 1993’s Jurassic Park, have all left their movie careers behind to live peaceful suburban lives.

Velociraptor Tom Logan, now an orthodontist, said: “I don’t get recognised much any more.

“Hardly surprising – people remember the sleek young predator from the film, and here’s me with a paunch, no scales left on the top of my head, sucking on a vape pen doing the school run.

“These dinosaurs they’ve got in this new one – metriacanthosaurus, baryonyx, mosasaurus – I’ve never heard of them.

“It’d have been nice if they’d called me up for a cameo, but we had our time.

“I keep a low profile these days, though my kids’ school did find out and got me to hunt down and disembowel a maths teacher to open up their summer fete.”

Logan is still in touch with his fellow velociraptor stars, one of whom owns a parcel delivery business in Chester and the other who is a pub landlord in Leatherhead.

He added: “Roy, the T-rex? So sad. He thought he was invincible.

“He called me a few years ago, from rehab. He was going to call me again when he got out. That’s the last time anyone heard from him.”

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Butter fans accuse John Lydon of selling out

FANS of Country Life butter have accused their hero John Lydon of selling his soul to corporate consumerism.

The Sex Pistols’ affiliation with a series of new Virgin credit cards has sparked outrage from dairy enthusiasts across the globe.

In a blog post entitled ‘Butter is dead’, Country Life fan Stephen Malley wrote: “John Lydon is a legend of UK butter, but credit cards go against everything butter stands for.

“Butter is supposed to be about sticking two fingers up to the ‘establishment’, and screaming ‘Fuck you!’ to toast. I just can’t believe that the same young firebrand who used to yell ‘I love the taste on me crumpets!’ has become a pathetic corporate shill.

“I took the tub of Country Life out of my fridge and burned it in the garden. It made a weird smell.”

Cultural critic Emma Bradford said: “Back in the seventies, butter was a way for disenfranchised working class kids to express their frustration with lard, dripping and other fat-based types of spread. They wanted a more flavoursome breakfast even if it meant smashing up farmyards.”

Lydon said: “I’m using the money from Virgin to fund new, exciting butter-based projects. People won’t be saying I’ve ‘sold out’ when they see me back on TV advertising dairy products.”