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Middle class woman 'doesn't listen to podcasts'

A MIDDLE-class woman has caused confusion after admitting she does not listen to recordings of people talking online. 

Donna Sheridan listens to the radio but has never listened to a podcast, leaving her community wondering how to deal with the disturbing revelation.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “What is she doing? Listening to her own thoughts?

“Everyone listens to podcasts. Maybe she’s being one of those pretentious people who say they don’t watch TV and then they actually do but on their laptop.

“What’s she going to admit next, that she doesn’t sleep with a pillow and just lays her head on the mattress? Freak.”

Sheridan said: “I listened to a podcast once and it was just some idiots waffling on about everyday things in a not-very-funny way without any moving pictures to alleviate the boredom.

“However I now realise I was in the wrong and tonight I will listen to some inane banter on my laptop to stop being such an anti-social nutjob.”

Six meals guaranteed to write off any chance of sexual intercourse

WANT to put you or your partner out of action for the night? Here are six foods that will destroy the mood and murder your libido. 

Two baked potatoes followed by treacle sponge 

In theory this carb-rich, sugary meal should give you energy for a Showgirls-style sex session. However you will undo your belt not for sex, but to relieve your straining stomach that feels as if it’s eaten a bag of concrete.

Raw kale, spinach and broccoli salad followed by an apple 

Super-healthy and light, it’s the perfect food for sex afterwards. That’s if it wasn’t for your farts being so powerful your partner is weeping as if they’ve been CS-gassed by the French riot police. 

Family-sized pizza with a gargantuan bottle of coke

You eat it to save time cooking and get straight to the bedroom. But this cheesy beast is the equivalent of a sleeping tablet and you will merely wake up feeling unhealthy after repulsing your partner with horrible coke burps.

Massive Indian takeaway 

Once you start eating curry it’s scientifically impossible to stop, especially if you’ve ordered loads of different tasty things. Once you’re jam-packed with tandoori mixed grill, poppadoms, various saags and some lamb balti it’s probably actually dangerous to have sex.

Carbonara

It’s a romantic night in a cosy Italian restaurant and the scene has been set for a night of seduction. But you choose ‘too much carbonara’. You’re uncomfortably bloated and sex is off the menu, leaving you lying in bed full of delicious creamy pasta regret.

Fried chicken 

Not overly filling if you don’t go for a ridiculous 90-piece bucket, it’s just hard to love your partner anymore after watching them savage a chicken carcass like an animal with warm grease dripping down their chin.

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