Momentum Kids to get own Saturday morning TV show

LABOUR’S Momentum Kids are to get a TV show about their anti-capitalist adventures.

The CBBC show Momentum Kids Unite! sees young activists solve class-related mysteries while also redistributing wealth.

Producer Emma Bradford said: “These are diverse kids whose aim is to secure a fair wage for the ordinary worker while also having a lot of carefree fun.

“There’s Wayne, he’s a Trotskyite, Mary, she’s a Trotskyite, and then there’s wacky old Nathan, he’s a Trotskyite too.

“Just like in Scooby Doo the villain is always the caretaker, here you’ll find it’s probably the factory owner.

“Owen Jones will be there in a Charlie from Charlie’s Angels/Geoff from Byker Grove way giving them advice and fatherly support in a slightly patronising way.

“All adventures take place within stringent health and safety rules as per union guidelines.”

The kids are also set to have a pop record out for this coming Christmas, a re-tweaking of a John Lennon song entitled Merry Christmas (The Class War isn’t Over).

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May wins over US with ‘pathetic grovelling’ strategy

THERESA May has persuaded US business leaders not to ignore the UK by begging pathetically.

The prime minister had hoped to convince major US companies that Brexit was a good idea, but was forced instead to grovel humiliatingly to make them stay in the country.

May said: “I decided the best chance of keeping them here was straightforward begging, so I kept saying ‘Please don’t take your lovely businesses away!’ in the desperate wailing voice of a supply teacher pleading with kids to stop throwing things.

“They looked embarrassed and the woman from IBM tried to leave, but I managed to stop her by sobbing and offering her 10 Downing Street as an office.

“The Goldman Sachs guys kept talking about relocating but reconsidered after I knelt on the floor with my hands clasped and said, ‘Please! I’m begging you! I’M BEGGING YOU!’

“I’d have preferred a more businesslike meeting but it shows Britain can still attract the world’s top companies, even if it’s out of pity.”

An Amazon spokesman said: “We have no plans to leave the UK but will be taking up Ms May’s offer of turning Buckingham Palace into a DVD warehouse.”