Morrissey was never in The Smiths, say fans

HISTORICAL revisionist Smiths fans have proved that Morrissey, long thought to be the singer and lyricist, was never actually in the band at all. 

Researchers have debunked the myth that a far-right racist sympathiser had any involvement with the 1980s radical-left group noted for their championing of outsiders

Fan Tom Booker said: “The idea that the Smiths were led by a man who claims the most Islamophobic UKIP candidate was cheated out of the leadership never stood up to scrutiny, and on examination has collapsed.

“We’ve dug into the records, and the actual lead singer was a handsome, sensitive young man who articulated the pain of disaffected adolescents in a decade of cruelty.

“‘Morrissey’, in contrast, is a grandiloquent narcissist who delights in his own provocative racism and looks like a bricklayer with a sideline as an Elvis impersonator. It’s clearly a completely different person.”

Booker added: “We don’t know what happened to the singer of the Smiths, and the band have said exactly the same.

“If only he was around today. He’d make mincemeat of this horrendous Morrissey character.”

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EU prepares next lovely big shit sandwich

THE EU is ready to move on to the second of the excrement-based sandwiches it has prepared for the UK, it has emerged. 

After four months of British negotiators refusing to consume their dung starter until they found out what their main was, a few mouthfuls have been choked down and the next course has been theatrically revealed.

Negotiator Michel Barnier said: “Ta-dah! Look, this one has a little sucre sprinkled on.

“What? I thought you were eager to discuss trade. You said this was the one you were looking forward to. Go on, take a bite.

“Did you think that this would be the bit where you got everything you wanted? Did you not read the menu? Do you not know what ‘merde’ means? What about ‘scheisse’?

“Come on. Plenty left. Don’t you want to know what is for dessert?”

David Davis said: “The British public have overwhelmingly voted to eat shit, and we’re determined to make a success of it.”