Mum and dad admit they both used to fancy David Bowie

A MIDDLE-AGED married couple have admitted that David Bowie was their first mutual crush.

59-year-old accountant Roy Hobbs and his wife Mary, who have two grown-up children, both developed erotic feelings for Bowie during his Ziggy Stardust phase.

Hobbs said: “I remember I had just started courting Mary, and she told me about this space guy who was going to be on Top of the Pops.

“I remember thinking ‘who’s this total poofter?’. Then I realised that the makeup was highlighting some audaciously beautiful cheekbones.

“I was okay with the leotard too, when it became apparent that David’s slim but strong physique was perfectly suited to contour-hugging attire.”

Mary Hobbs, who works part time in a school, said: “We used to buy all David Bowie’s singles from Woolworths, then listen to them and daydream about polysexual adventures aboard a glam spaceship full of massive bean bags.

“It was quite typical for the time.”

Roy Hobbs added: “Before Bowie I was into Slade, but in a totally different way as I never used to imagine Noddy Holder’s body pressed against mine.”

The Hobbs’s have spent the morning respectfully listening to Bowie albums and agree that they still sound fucking amazing.

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Cameron trying to find a band that doesn’t hate him

DAVID Cameron is trying to find a band he can listen to, safe in the knowledge the musicians do not hate his guts.

After being criticised by Squeeze on The Andrew Marr Show, Cameron has begun a musical quest to find a group that is in favour of right-wing politics, the Tory party and class privilege.

Cameron said: “I’ve already had run-ins with The Smiths and The Jam. How was I to know Paul Weller wasn’t an old Etonian and Eton Rifles isn’t about all the fun he had in the cadet corps?

“I’m looking for a band that’s into neoliberalism, fox hunting and the privatisation of the NHS.

“I thought The Beatles might be a possibility because Taxman is about lower taxes for the rich, but it turns out John Lennon was a dreadful hippy.”

He added: “Apparently The Spice Girls loved Margaret Thatcher, but I’ve listened to Spice more than 30 times and there isn’t a single reference to the sinking of the Belgrano.

“I’ll probably just have to form my own Conservative rock band. Michael Gove is really into it and we’ve already written a power ballad about Trident missiles.”