By White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt
THE president has the greatest bruised hand in history, and the liberal media’s speculation about it proves what liars they are. This is how he got it:
He punched through a foot of steel
The wall between the US and Mexico, the greatest wall in history, is 18 feet of solid concrete with a core of US steel. It is also a mile high. Nevertheless, the president was unhappy with it. ‘I could punch through that core,’ he said, and proceeded to do so. ‘Make it titanium,’ he said, and it was done. No immigrants will enter the US ever again.
He spends nights working for ICE
Not content with being the most important president since George Washington – a verbatim quote from Washington’s ghost – our president is out there on the streets of Minneapolis every night rounding up illegals. One murderously drove an SUV at him at 115mph. He swatted it aside one-handed then humanely arrested the driver.
His body is spontaneously generating gold
So rarefied and wonderful is the president’s anatomy that he has now begun to generate 24-carat gold from within his very bloodstream. To benefit the nation this is being extracted and placed in the US gold reserve at Fort Knox, which because it has his blood in it is now 100 per cent owned by the president and legally his to do what he likes with.
Europe did it
Europe, which is the culmination of the world’s total evil erupting like a volcano of bitterness and spite, needed to be set right by Trump this week. He went over there and he told them how it was going to be. Sadly, their stale decadence sets off his allergies, manifesting as a bruise like allergies do.
Biden in a mech suit
Sleepy Joe Biden, the worst president in American history who rigged the 2020 election, smashed into the White House wearing a Neon Genesis Evangelion mech suit to kill the president. He did not succeed, and lay beaten, broken and bleeding at the end of the savage encounter. The president suffered slight bruising and disturbed sleep.
He sat on it too long before wanking himself off
Showing how in touch he is with ordinary, decent white Americans, the president decided to treat himself to a dead-hand wank so it would feel like someone else was doing it. However, distracted by his own celestial illustriousness, he sat on it for a little too long and caused bruising. But still successfully completed the masturbation, like a boss.
