Museums should have pubs instead of gift shops, nation agrees

THE people of Britain agree that museums would be vastly improved by swapping out their gift shops with little pubs.

Seeing as they only sell overpriced fridge magnets and notebooks nobody ever uses, museums would lose nothing by ditching their gift shops in favour of a bar that serves a wide range of beers, spirits and salted snacks.

Stephen Malley from Bristol said: “We’re a polarised nation but this is one thing we can all agree on. Gut those gift shops, burn their unwanted stock immediately and stick some beer pumps in.

“Imagine washing down a trip to the SS Great Britain with a pint of bitter, or settling into an in-house snug after taking in the delights of the Kidderminster Railway Museum. It would easily be the highlight of your visit.

“They put coffee shops and Post Offices in the corner of everything these days, so why not this? They’d send footfall through the roof.”

Margaret Gerving from Southwark said: “If you can think of a better way to take the edge off trudging around the V&A than two swiftly-necked glasses of house white, I’d like to hear it.

“Don’t ruin it by installing a big sports telly or a fruit machine machine though. You just need a quiet bar where you can recover after looking at a bunch of boring, meticulously labelled old stuff. Even a dart board would f**k it up.”

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Duolingo, and other stressful app reminders that can f**k off

SMARTPHONE apps were meant to make life easier but instead add to the general anxiety of it by harassing you constantly. Like these ones:


You downloaded this in an attempt a better job, but all it does is inform you how rich, successful and generally more impressive than you your ex-colleagues are.


Oh god, what’s been cancelled? You’re not even taking a train today and it’s making you nervous.


Who would have thought motivational reminders about taking time to relax could leave you feeling so incredibly f**king tense?

Six Pack in 30 days

Having only opened this once since downloading it, it’s basically just calling you a fat bastard five times a day.


These notifications light up the same area of your brain as realising you hadn’t done your homework at 10pm on a Sunday night, triggering sweaty panic and fear of being told off.


Constant reminders of how close you are to not being able to pay your rent this month, thanks for that.


You very much doubt there are people waiting to match with you on Bumble. At least not ones you wouldn’t go out of your way to avoid getting stuck with at a party.


On the other hand, you’re not desperate enough to go fishing in this cesspool just yet.


What were you thinking installing this? Every time you open it you feel as scared and confused as your grandad when he tries to send an email.

Words with Friends

You know you haven’t played Words With Friends in while, nobody has. That fad passed years ago.


Thanks for the constant reminders that there are lots of audiobooks to check out. Funny how quiet it goes when it’s time to remind you when to end your free trial though, isn’t it?


You bought a toilet seat once, because you needed a new toilet seat. You don’t need daily reminders about amazing offers on toilet seats. You won’t be buying another one for approximately 20 years, bar any excessively drunken vomiting incidents.


Bless your heart for trying Threads, but just no.

Facebook Messenger

It’s either a scam or a cousin you never speak too, either way you don’t want to know.


You don’t need to be interrupted at work to be told there’s a new Bon Jovi documentary Disney +. Obviously you want to watch that, but there’s a time and a place.


X? What the hell is X? Oh, Twitter. No, ta. Even being reminded that soul-sucking hellhole exists fills you with dread. Take two minutes out of your day to actually delete this one, you won’t regret it.