Music To Stay Exactly The Same Forever

POPULAR music is to remain exactly as it is for ever and ever after Oasis were named best band at last night's NME awards.

The band, hailed as a 'fresh and exciting group of middle aged men from Manchester' have impressed critics with their fresh, exciting songs that all sound exactly the same.

Tom Logan, assistant editor of NME, said: "It's so exciting for British music that a really fresh middle-aged band like Oasis is being recognised for doing the same fresh and exciting thing over and over and over again for what must be the best part of 20 years."

Logan added: "Their sound is so fresh, so exciting and so completely unlike anything we've ever heard apart from absolutely every single note played by the Beatles, as well as the Rolling Stones, the Who, the Kinks, the Smiths and, obviously, the Stone Roses."

Meanwhile the BBC is devoting an entire week of programming to rock's freshest sensation, a fresh and exciting group of middle-aged men from Dublin called 'U2'.

Director general Mark Thompson said: "I discovered U2 last year when they were playing some tiny, little spit and sawdust Olympic stadium in Rome and I knew straight away they would need lots of help from the BBC in promoting their new album."

He added: "They're not your typical Dublin band, they're actually a really fresh and exciting group of millionaire property developers who have invented this fresh, exciting sound where all the songs are exactly the same.

"I imagine it's what the Stranglers would sound like if they were asked to do a Diet Coke advert."

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Facebook Gives You Short Attention Span, Says... Ooh What's That?

SOCIAL networking sites like Facebook and Bebo are infantalising the human brain, encouraging instant gratification, short attention spans and ooh, look, a funny cat picture.

The claims, by neuroscientist Baroness Greenfield, will make disturbing reading for the millions whose social lives depend on yes Kate Moss is back to her glamorous best in a stylish new leather coat.

More than 150 million use Facebook to share thoughts, photographs and have you seen the latest series of Criminal Minds because it is totally awesome but not as awesome as this coronation chicken sandwich that really tastes of curry for some reason.

A further six million have signed up to Twitter, the 'micro-blogging' service that is really enjoying the new Kings of Leon album before going for a swim and then sushi with Faz and Tommo who has a disgusting rash but doesn't want to talk about it.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It may be that social networking sites shorten the attention span and lead to increased self-absorption, but then again, how the fuck could you tell?

"I suspect Facebook may be the symptom rather than the cause and that these latest studies are simply telling us how our unbearable childishness and self-regard made Facebook possible in the first place."

Professor Brubaker added: "Hello? Are you actually listening to me? Or are you downloading a new ringtone while I'm talking to you because you haven't changed it for three days and this one is going to tell us so much more about who you really are as a person and by the way that one with the dead terrorist is brilliant. 'I am killing you', fantastic. Have you seen Criminal Minds?"