Subscribe

My demands for GTA VI, by a nerd

AS someone who’s been playing video games for more than 25 years, I’ve got some ideas about what would make GTA VI truly special. Here are my suggestions.

Realistic tyre degradation

Gamers don’t really care about things like story and characters. What they’re interested in is whether the tyres of the vehicle they’re driving are gradually – and almost imperceptibly – losing tread as they drive. It’s an important detail, and one that will also help educate younger players about the importance of regular checks.

The ability to default on a mortgage

Robbing a bank is a lot of fun, but you should also be able to arrange a 45-minute-long meeting with an account manager called Steve to discuss your options for a fixed-rate mortgage. The previous games have never quite captured the exhilarating ups and downs of home ownership and personal financial management.

Getting stuck in traffic for three hours

Not a car chase. Not a shootout. Just sitting with the engine off gradually losing the will to live as teams of emergency service workers deal with a nasty crash a few miles ahead. Some will say, ‘Just drive on the pavement and get around it, you can do whatever you want!’ What? And completely destroy my sense of immersion? No thanks.

That thing where you try to walk past a stranger in the street but you both keep going the same way

This should be motion-captured and go on for far longer than anybody expects. Both characters should apologise and do an awkward little laugh afterwards. I have already raised this in several letters to Rockstar and will continue until I receive a response.

Muscle cramp

Halfway up a fire escape mid-heist, I want my leg to buckle. No warning, no workaround, just bad luck, exactly like real life. How am I supposed to believe in a game world if there’s no chance whatsoever my hamstring will simply seize up for no reason?

Actual prison sentences

I don’t want to just cut to a shot of my character simply strolling out of the police station. I won’t even settle for a montage of their time inside. If your character commits a robbery they should go to prison for 15 years, played out in real time, with gameplay reduced to reading, showering and lifting weights.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Six harsh realities of not living with your parents that freshers will soon face

UNIVERSITY beckons for thousands of teenagers, but independence comes at a price. Here’s what you face without mum and dad as backup.

Getting out of bed

For years your failsafe alarm was your exasperated mum yelling increasingly annoyed demands for you to leave your pit. Now you discover being alone in halls and relying on your hungover self to manage timekeeping is a f**king nightmare, and you can’t ask mum to ring you every morning because she’ll just laugh. Luckily you discover a clever way to free up time for a more civilised start to the day: skip lectures for three years.

Getting about

That ‘Mum’s taxi’ sticker in the back window of her car was there for a reason. At uni there’s no such service, which is a disgrace and Burnham should do something. Instead there’s a choice of buses, cycling, walking, or what will become the most popular transport option for you: not bothering.

Feeding yourself

Home was like Hogwarts, where all the delicious food you like magically appeared. Now you’re having a bitter taste of independence. Initially you can live on takeaway deliveries but it’s a fool’s paradise and your cash will start to run out. You can mooch off the one mature girl in your block who can cook, but when she gets fed up of sharing her pasta you’ll have to make your own meals, or rather start rehydrating instant noodles. However by necessity your culinary repertoire will soon expand, so look forward to instant noodles on toast. 

Washing and ironing clothes

It used to be irritating when your mum interrupted your gaming with a pile of washed and ironed clothes and fascistically asked you to put them away. They didn’t get clean and crease-free being scattered on the floor, as you’re about to find out. But don’t worry – you’ll be going home with a bag of stinking clothes and crispy bedding soon. And also don’t worry that it’s obviously just to get decent food and your laundry done. Your parents and the washing machine will be expecting you.

Cleaning yourself and your room

You’ll be packed off with cleaning products and given an explanation of how a trigger spray and cloth works, but that alone is unlikely to result in a clean bathroom. Hopefully you’ll have a bossy housemate with basic hygiene expectations in a not-all-male household, or you’ll learn that the toilet in The Young Ones was only a mild exaggeration. 

Paying for things

At first you’ll be flush with cash from your maintenance loan and your parents. However three weeks later when you’ve blown the lot on alcohol and the odd textbook you’ll realise, shockingly, that budgeting, which absolutely everyone told you to do, is something you should have done. At first the bank is your friend and will extend your overdraft, but they have a tendency to suddenly stop giving you money to throw Jägerbombs down your neck and back up again. You should have known the capitalist fatcats didn’t really care about your education. 

Next story ›