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The tourist tax we'll charge, by the mayors of England's six shittiest regions

IF Burnham allows us to charge tourists as much as we like, you can bet we’re going to. These are the taxes we’ll impose, region by region:

Tom Wooton, Mayor of Bedford

We get very little tourism, due to there being nothing to do or see in Bedford, so a day spent here remains a perfect blank in the mind. However, millions drive up the M1 which has signs for Bedford and they’re looking at those yet contributing nothing to our town. So from now on it’s £6.70 per look, to be paid online before midnight the following day.

Ros Jones, Mayor of Doncaster

As a national joke, we’ll establish a new social media monitoring unit and every time anyone makes a disparaging reference to Doncaster it will be logged and a £40 fine levied. And when those people pass through the region our police, famous for their corruption, will detain them until the full sum is paid. If they can’t pay it they’ll just have to live here.

Andrea Jenkyns, Mayor of Greater Lincolnshire

As a Reform zealot who formerly worshipped Boris until the scales fell from my eyes and I realised Nigel was the one true messiah, I plan to redefine ‘the tourist’. Anyone who has been resident in our flat, cabbage-growing region for fewer than eight generations is now classified as a tourist and pays quintuple council tax and a mayoral enrichment surcharge.

Zoe Garbett, Mayor of Hackney

We welcome tourists here in Hackney, but a Green mayoralty cannot entertain those with incorrect attitudes on climate change, Palestine or the trans struggle. So all prospective tourists must complete an examination costing £80 and if they pass they can enjoy our attractions unhindered. Don’t miss the Clown Museum.

Andy Abrahams, Mayor of Mansfield

We welcome all tourists and will impose no extra taxes, but we’ll come down bloody hard on anyone confusing me, Andy Abrahams, former civil engineer, with Andy Abraham, former binman and Britain’s 2008 last-place Eurovision entrant. It’s just ignorant. We’re not even the same race, and it’s not f**king funny shouting ‘nul points’ at me. Two grand fine.

Bev Craig, Mayor of Greater Manchester

£300 per person if you’re on a stag do, £800 per person if you’re on a hen do. We will wipe out this scourge devastating our cities. Piss off to Prague and leave Mancunians to savour our bleakness, our rain and the backdrops to group photos by miserable indie bands who broke up decades ago. You don’t deserve them.

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Woman getting silent treatment from boyfriend taking it as a win

A WOMAN whose boyfriend is sulking and refusing to speak to her is actually treating it as a lovely break from his wittering.

Following a row, Tom Booker has barely spoken to Nikki Hollis for two days, failing to anticipate that for her it would turn out to be one of the happiest times in their relationship.

Hollis said: “Tom’s in a strop about something and thinks he’s punishing me with his silence. I’d argue the punishment is not that effective, because I’m bloody loving it.

“No pathetic hint-dropping that he wants sex, no tedious work anecdotes I couldn’t give a f**k about, and best of all I have full control of the TV remote. I turned the football over to watch Corrie last night and because he’s so determined not to speak there was nothing he could do about it.

“It got me thinking, if life is so much better without his perpetual blathering, how great would it be if I didn’t have to look at him either? So I’m thinking of dumping him before the weekend then going out on the pull with the girls.”

Booker said: “To be honest, I’ve forgotten what I was in a mood about, but I’m not breaking my vow of silence. That would just be an admission I was in the wrong. About something.

“Nikki’s putting a brave face on it and smiling all the time, but I can tell she’s incredibly upset underneath. I’ll start speaking to her again on Friday so I’ll get a shag at the weekend as usual.”

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