Nation f**king sick of quizzes

PEOPLE in Britain are officially sick of doing f**king quizzes, they have confirmed.

After six weeks in lockdown the nation is bored to death of answering trivia questions via Zoom in their pyjamas.

Emma Bradford said: “I avoided quizzes before lockdown yet now we’re at one every other night. I’m seeing friends and family more than I did when we were actually allowed to see them, and that was already too much.

“It’s not like I can get out of it by claiming we can’t get a babysitter or that we’re at the dentist. I just have to sit there pretending to be interested whilst someone grinds tediously through a 20 question round on the films of M. Night Shyamalan.

“You can’t even slope off and sit on the loo for 15 minutes without anyone noticing like you can at a pub quiz. And you know what the ‘prize’ is? To host another f**king quiz.

“I’m at the point where I am hoping to get coronavirus. They won’t make me host a quiz with a dangerously high fever, will they?

“Actually, they probably will.”

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Absolute bellend to hold house party for other bellends

A COMPLETE twat is preparing to celebrate the easing of lockdown with a gathering of likeminded knobheads at his house.

Wayne Hayes is prepping the barbecue, chilling the beers and counting down the hours until he can recklessly endanger the lives of his closest friends’ vulnerable loved ones.

Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t wait to spray my mucus particles on a select group of likeminded dickwads.

“Nothing says celebration like turning my house into a packed, sweaty petri dish ideal for viral exchange, and ignoring the inevitable and devastating consequences that will arrive in around three weeks’ time.

“All my favourite selfish dicks have already RSVP’d to say they will be there and to ask if they can bring any unhygienically prepared home-made food.”

Guest Tom Logan said: “I’ve had this cough for a couple of days but I wouldn’t miss Wayne’s party for anything.

“It’ll take more than slight breathlessness, a high temperature and weeks of public health messages to stop me sidling up to relative strangers and wheezing bawdily in their faces while wielding a beer.”