New Beatles song sparks exact rerun of 1960s Beatlemania

A NEW song by the Beatles has once again thrown youth into turmoil and kicked off a popular revolution in music that will change everything.

On hearing Now and Then teenage girls immediately began screaming uncontrollably and fighting with friends about which member of the Fab Four was their favourite, while their brothers left to get Beatle haircuts.

The band, who are 50 per cent alive, are now expected to be overwhelmed with crowds at airports, to give up playing concerts when they are drowned out by audience noise, and to be the subject of quizzical enquiry by oblivious high court judges.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 15, said: “The Beatles are everything to me now. My Taylor Swift shit’s in a skip.

“From the first piano chords of Now and Then I knew this was new, exciting and it would move culture forward and introduce me to recreational drugs and Eastern philosophy.

“My bewildered parents say ‘It’s only the Beatles, they’ve been around bloody ages,’ but they’re too old to understand the hysteria these octogenarians engender. I hope I faint when I see them live.”

Friend Lucy Parry said: “I’m going to marry the one who does the singing when I grow up. Not John Lennon, he’s dead, I mean machine-learning AI.”

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How to imagine the most innocuous things possible are about Israel-Palestine

PARANOID lunatics are finding support for Hamas in the most innocuous places, like a totally unconnected M&S Christmas ad. If you’re mental, watch out for these things.


Anything red, green and white is pro-Palestinian, like the M&S ad showing coloured paper hats tossed on a fire by people bored of Christmas traditions. Admittedly those are also the colours of the flags of Hungary, Mexico and Madagascar, or as it should be referred to now, ‘the Hungarian-Madagascan-Mexican-Palestinian Axis of Evil’.

And there’s something else that’s red, green and white as Christmas approaches: elves. For God’s sake don’t allow one of these little Islamic extremists into your house. He’ll be watching you alright – for signs of homosexual activity.


‘From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free’ goes the pro-Palestine slogan. As such, any reference to a river is violently anti-Israel. If you hear someone say ‘Emma and I had a lovely walk by the Avon’ you can bet their next day out will be chucking painted mice around in a McDonald’s.


As above. Anyone who likes going to the seaside supports global Jihad, even if it’s your daughter and she’s four.

Not tweeting

Not tweeting your condemnation of Hamas is exactly the same as giving your wholehearted support to murderers. The worst offender is the highly influential twitterer Gary Lineker, who is no doubt hiding behind the excuse that he has no particular interest in, or connection to, Israel or Palestine. Perhaps you’d care to explain why you haven’t tweeted a detailed plan for the rescue of the Israeli hostages, Gary?


The singer Alicia Keys declared a passing interest in going paragliding – the exact same mode of transport of some of the Hamas terrorists. She later tweeted ‘The post I shared earlier was COMPLETELY unrelated in any way to the recent devastating loss of innocent lives’ – clearly the words of a fanatic consumed by hate.

Following this logic to its sensible conclusion, you should look out for other vehicles favoured by Hamas, such as Toyota pick-ups. Confront anyone you see with one in their drive. They’ll claim they’re just a self-employed builder and they find a large vehicle handy for work. So it’s just a coincidence you can fit a heavy machine gun and six Hamas militants in the back, is it? 

Calls for peace

Calling for peace is a clear indication of someone wanting the cycle of violence to continue indefinitely. If you hear anyone saying ‘I just wish everyone could live together peacefully’ with genuine sadness in their voice, punch the bastard in the face.