New Big Brother Series May Be Best Ever, Says Its Viewer

THE current series of Big Brother could be the best one yet, according to the person who has been watching it.

Ruth Herron, the 48-year-old housewife who constitutes the show's entire audience, said this year's collection of  fame-hungry strangers was especially gripping and was puzzled as to why she had no-one to talk to about it.

Mrs Heron, from Stoke, added: "'The format still seems fresh and exciting to me. And I'm not just sayng that because I've spent the last 10 years in a coma after a crane fell on my head.

"Who came up with the idea of putting a load of twats in a house and then chucking them out one by one? Actually, now I think about it, it's a lot of boring shit. I think I'll get some sea monkeys instead."

Meanwhile former BB winner turned BB pundit, The One Who Lives In A Lighthouse Or Something, said the series was as strong as ever.

"Big Brother has given us some of the most enduring figures in contemporary popular culture. Who could forget characters like The Little Lesbian One Who Looks Like a Testicle, The Unhinged One Who May Have Stuck A Bottle Up Her Tumpsy or The One Who's One of The Ones With The Massive Tits?

"These beloved figures have gone on to become some of the biggest names in daytime cable TV craft shows and prostitution."

Thingy Lighthouse Chappy added: "From racism to bullying to custard fights, Big Brother has it all. If I had a telly in the lighthouse, I'd definitely think about watching it, if I was bed ridden and my eyes had been stapled open."

A spokeswoman for BB producers Endemol described the current series as 'a white-knuckle thrillcoaster that grips you like a snapping turtle', although when pressed for details on recent events in the house she admitted not having seen it for a few days due to a string of late night dental appointments.

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Brown Makes Arse Of New Thing

GORDON Brown continued his political fightback last night by somehow finding a brand new thing to make an arse of.

The deputy prime minister had hoped to restore confidence in his leadership by announcing a full public inquiry into the Iraq War, but changed his mind at the last minute and decided to make a total arse of it instead.

The arseing of the Iraq war inquiry follows hard on the heels of Labour's catastrophic election results and the worst cabinet reshuffle since Gladstone put Gilbert and Sullivan in charge of the Navy in 1884.

And it come just weeks after Mr Brown made a surprisingly comprehensive backside of attempting to reform MPs' expenses, even by his standards.

Junior minister Bill McKay insisted: "Gordon faced a real dilemma. Do you have an inquiry in private that makes it just look as if you care? Or do you have an inquiry in public, accompanied by six months of daily headlines about how the Labour Party is filled to brim with evil, warmongering liars? It's a tricky one."

But Labour backbencher Julian Cook said: "It's actually not that difficult to make decisions that are both popular and the right thing to do.

"The thing about the Iraq War was that it was based on a series of murky decisions made in secret. So it would be an idea to make sure the inquiry into it is at least vaguely unmurky and very much not in secret. But no."

Mr Cook added: "As arseings go it's on a par with the election that never was and could even be up there with the absolute, balls-out fuck-up that was the abolition of the 10p rate of income tax.

"I really thought we'd have to wait until after the summer holidays before he got hold of a new thing and reconfigured it into the shape of a pair of big fat hairy buttocks. He's some guy."