New Doctor Who companion is middle-aged bricklayer

DOCTOR Who’s new assistant is an overweight man from Watford called Geoff.

Geoff will join the long running children’s television programme later this year when current sidekick Amy Pond will regenerate herself as a real human being called Karen Gillan.

Producer Steven Moffat said: “While having a young poppet in a short skirt has done the trick on-and-off for the last 40-odd years, I thought it’d be interesting to have an assistant who, when faced with a Sontaran, would just hoof it in the jewels and ask the Doctor whether he fancied a pint.

“They will still have that ‘will they-won’t they?’ chemistry, only this time the question is whether Geoff will eventually deck the doctor for looking like such a ponce.”

While the show remains popular among pale oddballs with DVD collections the size of Oxford Street HMV, Moffat believes Geoff will broaden its appeal to men who masturbate the normal amount.

Whovianst Nathan Muir, said: “I have enjoyed being shacked up with Amy Pond in the basement flat of my mind for the last two years. But I have pledged my fealty to Lord Moffat and will go wherever he leads me.”

Geoff, played by the actor Billy Wright who shouts the word ‘Wonga!’ in the Envirophone ads, will be introduced in the episode ‘Doctor Who & The Pub Brawl’ which sees the Tardis land in the middle of the Flag & Tattoo during a regional darts quarter final.

After dealing with a group of EDL supporters using his tried and tested plot shortcut, the sonic screwdriver, the Doctor sees Geoff coming out of the Tardis with a Daily Star under his arm, zipping up his fly and uttering the new catch phrase: “I’d give it 10 minutes if I were you.”


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Britain officially a dystopia

THE arrival of televisions that can spy on you means Britain is now a fully-qualified dystopia.

As it emerged that TVs containing cameras and microphones have hit shops, experts confirmed this was the final element in the country’s descent into a place ‘where everything is unpleasant or bad’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “In determining whether a country is a proper dystopia, we use something called the Orwell-Huxley-Dick Scale. It measures nightmarishness.

“It takes into account things like paranoia, evilness of government, lack of privacy, creepiness of technology and the amount of driving rain.

“Other factors include Crocs, the rampant success of Men’s Health magazine and fruit drinks that claim to be your friend.

“And, lest we forget, a massive, jingoistic sporting event sponsored by a company that basically manufactures fat children. In fact, Philip K Dick is starting look like an arse.”

Brubaker said modern Britain had seen things other people would not believe. “Simon Cowell, not on fire, at the top right corner of the Daily Mail website. We’ve watched Amy Childs’ vajazzle glitter in the dark near Lancaster Gate. All these moments will go on forever. Like the rain.”

He added: “Internet pedants might say that, strictly speaking, a dystopia is defined as an imaginary thing, therefore Britain cannot be one.

“And of course the existence of people like that proves that it is.”