New Han Solo film to focus on smuggling fags

THE young Han Solo mainly smuggled fags in his ‘space van’ and sold them in pubs, the latest Star Wars film will reveal.

The forthcoming Han Solo spinoff film will show Solo starting out in smuggling by making short, uneventful journeys from Tatooine to nearby planets to buy fags and ‘retail size’ boxes of Golden Virginia rolling tobacco.

Director Chris Miller said: “Star Wars fans are used to seeing Han in space battles, but we felt they’d appreciate the realism of him schlepping back and forth from alien cash-and-carrys with the fags hidden under a tarpaulin in the back.

“Han can make two Imperial credits of clear profit on 20 space fags. That’s about £1.50, so with a whole consignment he’s looking at £300 for a couple of days’ easy work.

“If Han’s van gets pulled over by an Imperial cruiser he can expect no mercy and find himself in the space magistrate’s court facing a substantial fine.

“There’s no Luke or Leia at this stage, but we do meet Chewie when he buys a packet of menthols as Han surreptitiously sells them out of a carrier bag in Mos Eisley Cantina.  

“The film ends with him putting a down payment on the Millennium Falcon. It’s a bit disappointing, but we don’t want to ‘use up’ Han Solo too quickly.”

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Legally I can kill him, Queen confirms

THE Queen has confirmed that when President Trump visits the UK, she can kill him with a sword and nobody can touch her.

Palace staff have assured the Queen that, according to English law, Trump is a subject of the Crown and can, if judged to be damaging the monarchy, be dispatched without repercussion.

She said: “I haven’t made up my mind yet. I might.

“It’s been an awful lot of years hefting the old sword without using it, and who better to christen it on? Just imagine the look on his satsuma face.

“And the colonies would be so grateful they’d have me straight back as their reigning monarch, which solves this Brexit thing literally at a stroke.

“I should do one useful thing before I abdicate, really. And imagine how furious it’d make the May woman.”

Her Majesty added: “I genuinely can’t think of a reason not to. Anyone?”