New Harper Lee book finally explains how to kill mockingbirds

AUTHOR Harper Lee has promised that her new book will contain explicit instructions on how to catch and kill mockingbirds.

The 88-year-old has written the book after admitting crucial passages had been left out of her last one, turning what should have been a pest disposal manual into nothing but a hackneyed courtroom melodrama.

She said: “Like all sensible people I abhor mockingbirds – I like most birds fine, but I hate to be mocked – and I thought an instructional pamphlet on dispatching them, told in the Southern vernacular, would be most useful.

“I was horrified to learn that for decades people had been reading an early draft full of childish nonsense about heroic white folk defending helpless black folks with hardly a useful tip for avian slaughter to be found.

“Why people have been reading it all these years heaven knows. I pity them.”

Lee’s new book, entitled How To Kill A Mockingbird In Four Easy Stages, comes with step-by-step instructions, colour photographs and mockingbird recipes including Cajun Mockingbird, Dixie Fried Mockingbird and Alabama Mockingbird Stew.

English teacher Denys Hatton said: “I fucking hate mockingbirds, dancing around taking the piss out of me with their sweet, clear song.

“To finally be able to take them down will be compensation for having to read this dreadful book so many times.”


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Millions registering to vote so they can write obscenities on ballot paper

MILLIONS of people are registering to vote so they can scrawl foul mouthed insults across their worthless ballot paper.

Vast numbers of Britons are keen to ensure they do not miss out on using phrases such as ‘weasel-faced thieving bastards’ in the privacy of the polling booth.

A spokesman for the Electoral Commission said: “We’ve seen a big increase in the number of people who, come polling day, just want to write ‘fucknuggets’ diagonally across the ballot paper.

“But you must register. It would be such a shame if you arrive at the polling station all ready to write ‘eat this, you bunch of corrupt monkey ballsacks’ only to find your name is not on the list.”

Jane Thomson, from Peterborough, said: “I’m going to draw an explicit cartoon.”