New Mary Poppins film mostly about her spanking Jacob Rees-Mogg

THE new Mary Poppins film is to focus on the magical nanny’s later career of dealing out sexual discipline to Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Mary Poppins Returns follows the character after her career in childcare dried up and she became a dominatrix, with clients in every Conservative cabinet from the 1980s to today.

A Disney source said: “It’s still got marvellous songs.”

The source addded: “Mary is blown in by the East Wind when Rees-Mogg is searching for a sexual liasion that really makes him feel like a loathsome worm, and beats him with a selection of items you’d never guess would all fit into one carpet bag.

“She dances around Trafalgar Square singing ‘Feed the poor, tuppence a bag,’ giving the Tories the idea for ‘austerity, a silly made-up word that means whatever you want it to!’.

“Then she transports George Osborne into a magical cartoon world where the unwaged can survive simply on charity, before putting him in bridle and harness and riding him to victory in the Gran National.”

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Everyone wondering when they can go back to not knowing what the 'DUP' is

EVERY single person in Britain is wondering when they can go back to not knowing or caring who or what the DUP is, research has confirmed.

With the ultra conservative Northern Irish Party now having some sort of daily say in British life, 100 percent of people have confirmed they genuinely wish they would just fuck right off.

Tom Booker said, “What I love about Arlene Foster is, well, I’ll be honest, I have absolutely no way of finishing that sentence. Actually, no wait, I’ve got one.

“What I love about Arlene Foster is that due to the democratic and ever changing nature of politics she will definitely, at some point in the future, definitely, definitely, have to fuck right off my TV screen.”

“And with any luck she’ll also take her hate filled, archaic, clown-shoe opinions with her.”

Emma Bradford added: “I didn’t know anything about the DUP until Theresa May shat one and had to make some sort of deal with them.”

“Now I know that they’re anti-abortion, anti-same sex marriage and they opposed the Good Friday Agreement. Well, I can see why none of my mates ever told me I should check them out.”

Martin Bishop added, “I like the look of that Sammy Wilson bloke. Actually, sorry that’s not Sammy Wilson. My TV just got stuck on an early episode of Minder which was about a dodgy second hand car dealer who spends all day in the pub drinking pints of mild but I’m sure you can understand my confusion.”