New Pixar film not teeming with truculent piss-artists

BRAVE, the new Pixar film set in Scotland, has invented a type of Scottish person which does not and will never exist.

The studio’s latest CGI masterpiece is about a wee red-haired lassie who lives in a glen and is feisty.

Her heavily bearded parents are noble and kilted but have neither a criminal record or a proud sense of entitlement to other people’s money.

Julian Cook, a film analyst, said: “It suggests that the wee, red-haired lassie’s feistiness is some sort of inherent character trait as opposed to the more common Scottish condition of ‘bevy anger’.

“It would be nice if Brave was a little more authentically Scottish but then they would have to change the name to Fuck You, Ya Prick and it wouldn’t get a PG rating outside of Scotland.”

Scotland’s feisty nationalist government is hoping the film will boost tourism by attracting the sort of people who think the world looks like a cartoon.

Experts said that Paris was inundated with tourists after the release of The Hunchback of Notre Dame as thousands of wobbly, Prozac-filled Americans climbed the famed cathedral to talk to a gargoyle.

A Scottish government spokesman said: “If people could watch the film and then believe that is what Scotland is really like, that would be excellent.

“We have studied the tourism industry laws for all major developed nations and cannot find a refund clause based on ‘Pixar lied to me’.”

Meanwhile, Hollywood is jumping onboard the Scottish fantasy bandwagon with a remake of Brigadoon, about a mystical village that only appears when Scotland qualifies for an international football tournament.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Nalbandian signs as Rooney's petulance-trainer

WAYNE Rooney has recruited David Nalbandian to give him tips on lashing out ahead of Tuesday’s match against Ukraine.

Argentian tennis maverick Nalbandian lost his chance at the Queen’s Club title after somehow kicking a large advert into a linesman.  He has since been signed to mentor England football player Wayne Rooney in wild acts of spontaneous aggression.

Rooney is due to start in the crucial match against Ukraine and is hoping Nalbandian can help him achieve all-encompassing radge equal to football’s greatest nark merchants.

The cress-pated striker was recently banned for England’s first two matches after kicking a Montenegro player who unintentionally made a gesture that Rooney’s species interprets as a challenge to the dominant male.

Rooney said: “My biggest regret is not managing to draw blood from the bloke I hoofed.

“Some might say that going postal on a fellow professional athlete is different from knocking over a middle-aged bloke sat in a chair, but the flair with which David did it was world class.

“I think we can learn a lot from other sporting disciplines and I hope to pass on tips to Nalbandian on shouting expletives down the lens of the camera whenever things go very badly or very well.”

Nalbandian will coach Rooney on focus, backswing and standing around afterwards with a look that combines vague sheepishness and utter disinterest.

The Argentinian is also in line to win 2012’s ‘Least Sincere Sporting Apology’ by claiming he was unaware ATP rules forbade him from trying to dismember a match official.