New series of The Crown to feature you crying like a knobhead

THE new series of The Crown will feature you, in your 1990s flat, crying at the death of someone you never even knew like a knobhead.

The sixth season of the Royal drama covers the death and funeral of Princess Diana and includes, for historical accuracy, scenes of you weeping for reasons you are unable to explain now.

Nathan Muir, who has seen a preview, said: “Yeah, that’s me sobbing away. I recognise the combat pants and Ministry of Sound poster.

“I thought the producers were exaggerating it a bit – I get why the Queen called The Crown ‘bollocks’ now – but according to my wife I did lay a bunch of garage chrysanthemums on the cenotaph here in Todmorden, so fair enough.

“My mate Dave’s in it as well, crying a lone tear watching the funeral alone in his flat with a can of Fosters, which he never told me about, and I recognised a few old workmates and a girl from school.

“But it was a very emotional time. I was in the grip of mass hysteria. The filmmakers shouldn’t intrude on the private, inexplicable grief of me and a few million others just for ratings.”

Muir’s mother Angela said: “I sent a drawing of her to my local paper riding a unicorn made of prayers into battle against Satan’s legions to save kiddies. Why isn’t that in?”

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Seven Gen Z celebrities you'd date just to piss off your kids

IT’S wrong to sexually objectify people, Gen Z will inform you earnestly. True, so if you fancy winding them up just share your romantic feelings about these hotties with them.

Billie Eilish

The only obstacle to a relationship between you and Billie is her music. Bad Guy is okay, but let’s face it, she’s not The Who. Or even Nirvana. With your middle-aged tutelage she could change musical direction and be churning out dad rock in no time. That would annoy your kids, along with her monopolising the bathroom to do her highlights.

Tom Holland 

He’s good-looking, personable, and Spider-Man: No Way Home was alright, so what’s not to like? Teenage children might find it hard to accept 27-year-old Tom moving in, but they’re always going to find something to moan about so it may as well be their hot new ‘Spider-Dad’.

Molly-Mae Hague

Love Island runner-up Molly-Mae’s fame is puzzling, until you realise she is the physical manifestation of the dreams of much of Gen Z: she’s an influencer, a ‘brand ambassador’ for PrettyLittleThings and an identikit reality TV blonde. Going out with her would make you Gen Z royalty. Unfortunately she’s engaged to Tommy Fury, and your blossoming romance could be hindered by being dead.

Timothée Chalamet 

Shagging Timothée will earn you the hatred of all female members of Generation Z, your now-surplus-to-requirements husband, many gay men and the entire female population. More worryingly, you’ll end up inadvertently knowing a f**k of a lot about Dune. Ask yourself if you’re ready for your brain to be permanently clogged with ‘facts’ like the religious beliefs of the Sardaukar and the Bene Gesserit’s role in creating the Kwisatz Haderach. 

Taylor Swift 

Imagine poaching Gen Z’s biggest icon and encouraging her to spend less time making music and more time in B&Q. As well as the obvious benefits of dating Taylor Swift, you’d save a f**king fortune on tickets for the Eras film. Yes, there’s an age/wealth/talent difference, but you’re sure knowing the chorus to We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together is a solid basis for a relationship. The only potential problem is if your kids are part of the psycho wing of Taylor’s notoriously possessive fanbase and murder you. 

Jimin

You weren’t exactly sure who Jimin was, until the internet revealed he’s one of K-pop’s biggest stars, and, as you might expect, quite easy on the eye. Even if you’re not into the boyband BTS he’s an upgrade on your current spouse. Maybe your soon-to-be-ex-partner could become Jimin’s servant? That’ll teach him to leave pubic hairs in the bath.

Emma Watson 

Despite being a geriatric 33, Emma is still hugely popular with Generation Z. Her advanced years mean you’d be dating someone vaguely your own age, and could have mature, adult conversations about Fizzing Whizzbees, Death Eaters and Quidditch.