IT’S wrong to sexually objectify people, Gen Z will inform you earnestly. True, so if you fancy winding them up just share your romantic feelings about these hotties with them.
The only obstacle to a relationship between you and Billie is her music. Bad Guy is okay, but let’s face it, she’s not The Who. Or even Nirvana. With your middle-aged tutelage she could change musical direction and be churning out dad rock in no time. That would annoy your kids, along with her monopolising the bathroom to do her highlights.
He’s good-looking, personable, and Spider-Man: No Way Home was alright, so what’s not to like? Teenage children might find it hard to accept 27-year-old Tom moving in, but they’re always going to find something to moan about so it may as well be their hot new ‘Spider-Dad’.
Love Island runner-up Molly-Mae’s fame is puzzling, until you realise she is the physical manifestation of the dreams of much of Gen Z: she’s an influencer, a ‘brand ambassador’ for PrettyLittleThings and an identikit reality TV blonde. Going out with her would make you Gen Z royalty. Unfortunately she’s engaged to Tommy Fury, and your blossoming romance could be hindered by being dead.
Shagging Timothée will earn you the hatred of all female members of Generation Z, your now-surplus-to-requirements husband, many gay men and the entire female population. More worryingly, you’ll end up inadvertently knowing a f**k of a lot about Dune. Ask yourself if you’re ready for your brain to be permanently clogged with ‘facts’ like the religious beliefs of the Sardaukar and the Bene Gesserit’s role in creating the Kwisatz Haderach.
Imagine poaching Gen Z’s biggest icon and encouraging her to spend less time making music and more time in B&Q. As well as the obvious benefits of dating Taylor Swift, you’d save a f**king fortune on tickets for the Eras film. Yes, there’s an age/wealth/talent difference, but you’re sure knowing the chorus to We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together is a solid basis for a relationship. The only potential problem is if your kids are part of the psycho wing of Taylor’s notoriously possessive fanbase and murder you.
You weren’t exactly sure who Jimin was, until the internet revealed he’s one of K-pop’s biggest stars, and, as you might expect, quite easy on the eye. Even if you’re not into the boyband BTS he’s an upgrade on your current spouse. Maybe your soon-to-be-ex-partner could become Jimin’s servant? That’ll teach him to leave pubic hairs in the bath.
Despite being a geriatric 33, Emma is still hugely popular with Generation Z. Her advanced years mean you’d be dating someone vaguely your own age, and could have mature, adult conversations about Fizzing Whizzbees, Death Eaters and Quidditch.