Woman worried she is a terrible mother actually is

A WOMAN who worries about being a bad mother absolutely is one, her friends have confirmed. 

Donna Sheridan frequently seeks reassurances that she is a good parent, despite issues such as her children’s unsupervised access to the internet, matches and plug sockets. 

Friend Lauren Hewitt said: “All mothers worry about whether they’re doing enough for their kids and Donna is no exception, except the problem is that she actually is rubbish. 

“When she asks ‘Am I a bad mum?’ we don’t feel we should reinforce unrealistic expectations that make mothers feel inadequate. But we also don’t feel toddlers should have access to knives or that Wotsits are one of their five-a-day. 

“We don’t want her to feel bad, but maybe she should feel slightly worse than she does now.

“She goes on long rambles on Facebook so we’ll reassure her she’s great, but it would be a lot easier if she got off the internet and made sure Oscar hadn’t climbed into the washing machine again.”

Sheridan said: “I sometimes worry if I’m doing enough, but my kids are loved, clothed and fed. About 40 per cent of the time anyway. What do they expect, daily trips to Disneyland?”

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MILF, and other compliments that aren't

SHE’S cute, you’re horny; why not throw in a compliment and see what happens? But never one of these: 

‘You’re a MILF’ 

If you wish to reaffirm the allure of a lady of slightly more mature vintage, this phrase will spring to mind. It is, however, unsuitable. Any reference to age at all, even in a positive sense, is likely to be receieved badly. You could add that the MILFs in porn are often played by 24-year-olds, but that means yelling about your wanking habits in a nightclub.

‘I can’t believe you’re [your age]’ 

At first pleasant, but the reminder that the human body inevitably succumbs to the ravages of time and that you’re holding them off better than most for now will come back to you. If the encounter progresses they’ll be expecting you to assign an age to each body part, like an archaeologist.

‘Wow, you’ve lost weight’ 

The ‘wow’ is what does it. Whether amazement that you can be attractive or amazement that one person can lose so much body fat and still be fat, it’s a compliment that keeps on hurting. Might as well go all the way and ask ‘So is this it? Or are you planning to do something about your enormous arse?’

‘I love your curves’ 

What, all of them? And is this just a general erotic fixation with parabolas or are you specifically keen on a particular curved area, usually the boobs? You do realise pretty much all women are curved, except in Lego?

‘You’re so brave’ 

Unless you’ve just taken a Nazi gun emplacement under heavy fire, this is suspect. Usually delivered without any context before the complimenter turns and walks away, for maximum impact, sparking a fierce bout of over-analysis.