New Teletubbies is 'a f**king travesty' says original fan

THE new series of Teletubbies is an insult to those who have kept its memory all these years, it has been claimed. 

The series, which debuted on CBeebies yesterday, has been criticised by hardcore fans as a needless reboot that completely ignored the continuity of the Teletubbies extended universe. 

Nathan Muir, who runs the Eh-Oh fan fiction community, said: “I was expecting the new shows to be along the lines of Star Trek: The Next Generation, respectfully acknowledging the original series while also going in their own direction. 

“Instead they’ve started again on a new set with the same characters with no indication of whether they’re the descendants of the originals or this is an alternate timeline or what. 

“Is it still canon that Tinky Winky’s gay? Have the fan theories about Noo-Noo causing the destruction of the original Tubbytronic Superdome even been acknowledged? 

“Instead it’s all cheap CGI and storylines aimed at children, instead of the adult fans who’ve been petitioning for the show’s return for 14 years.”

Muir has launched a petition demanding a spin-off series showing the dark, dystopian universe of the original series once the sun disappeared forever. 

He added: “I’m thinking first TV, establish the audience, then a connected universe of big-budget movies like the Marvel ones. 

“The source material’s certainly rich enough. All life’s in there.”

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Chinese demand for English upper class idiots soars

PRESIDENT Xi Jinping’s friendship with David Cameron has led to a surge in Chinese demand for our public school idiots.

Many Chinese now want to try socialising with upper class English morons, or keeping one as a pet.

Office manager Yao Chung said: “Luckily I found a company online that rents them out, and two days later an absolute arse called Hector arrived.

“He spends most of his time on the phone to something called Seb about women he would like to ‘boff’.”

Fashion designer Suki Haung said: “I’ve bought one called Theo who’s convinced he’ll be prime minister one day because he’s ‘big in Oxford University politics’.

“My friends love coming round to listen to his stories about his raucous Oxford dining club, the Roast Beef Assassins. It’s horrible yet fascinating.”

Old Etonian Denys Finch Hatton said: “Renting yourself out to the Chinese is an excellent career opportunity if you’re terribly posh but don’t fancy the City, the Household Cavalry or being a newspaper columnist.”