All of man’s knowledge about coffee

A MAN knows a great deal about coffee but nothing about anything else, it has emerged.

28-year-old bike shop owner Tom Logan is an expert on modern ‘third wave’ coffees, brewing techniques and ‘flavour profiles’.

Friend Julian Cook said: “If you hear Tom talking about coffee he sounds super intelligent. He knows about cold-drip brewing and can detect a hint of vanilla and an ‘enzymatic aroma’ in something that to me just tastes of caffeine.

“But he knows fuck all about anything else.”

Logan’s ignorance of non-coffee related topics became apparent when he claimed that France was a part of Wales.

Cook said: “I said I was going to France and he called it ‘the land of dragons and Tom Jones’. He also thinks a horse and a scorpion are the same thing.

“It’s like the coffee knowledge has pushed all other facts out of his brain.”

Cook said: “Coffee-wise I usually order a ristretto, which can be a challenge for baristas as it is difficult to make a good one on a pre-calibrated machine.

“And my favourite fruit is carrots.”

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Bono claims victory in Myanmar elections

BONO has taken power in Myanmar following three decades of tireless campaigning.

The ruling military junta has conceded defeat to U2, which fought the election on a platform of transparency, democracy, and vague, mawkish cliches about hope.

President-elect Bono said: “My entire career, from those black and white photos in the desert, to jumping out of a mechanical lemon, to the whole iTunes thing, has been building up to this moment.

“My very first priorities will be a new city-centre hotel, a nice big stadium, and an urgent reform of the tax laws.”

Defeated former leader Thein Sein said: “I can’t believe we lost to a man who once rhymed ‘high’ with ‘sky’, and ‘mole’ with ‘hole’, in the same song.”

Tickets for U2’s victory rally in Yangon are now on sale, priced at £300 each.